My most recent prayer letter

June Prayer Letter 2008

The suffering in the world is coming hard and fast these days. This month Burma has been horrifically devastated by a cyclone. Multiple bomb blasts rocked Jaipur in North West India and a huge earthquake rocked China. In West Bengal, the Indian state in which I live, elections often get out of control and a child was trampled to death yesterday in the chaos. Even closer to home for me, another friend here has been diagnosed with HIV and several of our Sari Bari ladies are suffering from serious heath issues. I struggle to make sense of it all, especially when I am confronted with my own struggle to embrace the suffering while still retaining the hope that moves me forward.

My own person struggle to make sense of God's love and his undeserved gift of grace has been at the forefront of my mind these last months. I think encountering suffering for me often brings me back to the feet of Jesus to try and make sense of things. The love of the Father extends to those who are suffering, struggling to survive in a harsh world. The craziest thing is that most of the time I do not think it all makes much sense. God's love, especially as it pertains to grace, does not make much sense in a world of disasters, terrorist acts, HIV and the senseless deaths of children.

But the Master of loves giving us lessons in just how far His loves goes. He gives us such a grand dose of His amazing love that it is overwhelming. Overwhelming because in all truth we do anything and every thing to prove to God that we are not worthy or to prove that we ARE! It is the free undeserved gift of it that seems to gets me every time. The grace of part of God's plan does not make any sense, the part the forgives when we get it wrong, as many times as we get it wrong. Really that kind of love does not make sense if you want to get things done in the way we do things here on the planet earth. If you make a really big mistake, commit violence against another human being, you get fired, or lose relationship, you will find yourself in situation with few options. There are not too many people lining up to help you out, take your place on the unemployment line, or forgive your bad behaviour. We who make mistakes deserve to pay for them, we who make enemies deserve the treatment we receive, right?

The upside downess of grace has me in a tailspin these days. I keep reading Luke 6 over and over trying to soak up his words. Luke's writing of the of the beatitudes, words on forgiveness, loving your enemies, storing up good things in your heart and not evil things so you can bring the good things out to share when the time comes, are hitting me where it hurts. Reminding me that the traffickers and customers, need God's grace and forgiveness and that God wants to give Good gifts to those who suffer in this world…blessed are you poor for yours is the Kingdom of Heaven. Jesus wants to give the Kingdom for those who now suffer, He wants us to love our enemies and go even further to embrace them, he wants us to protect us from becoming like those we struggle to love and give grace. He calls us to radical love, to making our lives about filling up on His Goodness so we can share it. These are hard words for me because while I love the women we work with deeply, there are many things about Kolkata and the injustice I encounter that I loathe. Many days I have unpack the hard ugly things I have stored in my heart to once again allow God to remind me that I too desperately need the undeserved gift of grace.

I want to thank all of you have joined with me in prayer for the women and you are who are advocating for me personally. I have felt the covering of prayer and I am being sustained even in the hot, hot grossness of the Kolkata MAY!

I will be in the states at the end of the year, marking three years since my return to Kolkata, as I said in last prayer letter and I look forward to spending time you my prayer warriors and friends. I will need to to cover my travel home during that time and I am also continuing to look for additional financial support for my regular expenses. I know times are hard in the states so really do appreciate you regular support and I know what a sacrifice it is for many of you. Know that you are much appreciated!

With love,

Sarah

Things that only happen in Kolkata...

The birthday adventure in pictures!

Some of the best of 2008...

if i blogged...

If I actually blogged in the last week, this is what i a would have written about:

*The coolness of the WMF Nepal Community. Sweet hang out times mixed with times of fear and murderous rage toward extremely large spiders that moved faster than a speeding bullet. moved being the operative word, said spider is no longer with us.

*What God is showing me though Luke Chapter 6

*How to celebrate simplicity with the poor. Imagine facilitating a discussion on simplicity with someone who lives in one room with their whole family. i may actually write a whole blog later this week on this experience.

*The beauty of learning new things, watching the Bengali staff understand why the women respond the way they do, learning the effects of trafficking, seeing how we can serve the women we love so much better, seeing that we are doing somethings right and that we still have a way to go.

*Coffee is always best when shared.

This is true...

Here are somethings that are true about my life in INDIA:

1. I rarely sleep well because of the traffic noise outside my window.
2. I get to eat good indian food whenever I want!
3. God's grace is real to me because i get to see my brokeness reflected back to me everyday.
4. i have very dirty feet!
5. My finger nails are dirty 76 percent of the time.
6. I eat with my hands 50 percent of the time.
7. i can make a plan but i can plan on the fact that it will not happen the way i planned!
8. Jesus teaches me everyday about HOPE!
9. My community and the Sari Bari ladies teach me everyday about intimacy, forgiveness, choseness, freedom and community.
10. When you wash the floor, it will only stay clean for 10 minutes.
11. I cohabitate with insects, rodents and gecko's.
12. I do not know what i look like 98percent of the time. This is often a bad thing!
13. I have significantly more gray hair in the last year.
14. I always look forward to going to work at Sari Bari.
15. The red light area is both the hardest and best thing i spend time doing every week.
16. Sitting on our kitchen counter every morning looking at the howrah bridge gives me life.
17. Cold showers are a beautiful thing when it is 103.
18. I see the bible with different eyes. many things make more sense....
19. Skype makes living here not so far away...

I guess I will leave it on an odd number.....just to keep it interesting. Lots of other things are true but right now i am headed for bed so i can get up and run in the morning! So number 20. could be, i get up every tuesday and thursday morning with beth and run by the river, just because.

The end of the experiment

The experiment is over but my life is changed. I think, hope and believe. I still find my hands willing to stay open and ready to give. My heart has changed. I feel more open to kolkata, to see the suffering than i have for a long time. I turned around yesterday when i walked past an old man and gave him something. He did not look like a beggar or an addict, he just looked desperate. I wondered what he was doing begging...he must have been really desperate. he seemed more like a villager, with some grave need, i did not have reason not to give so i turned around and gave. i hope i can stay soft, ready to respond, i let the rupees linger, collecting on the bottom of my purse ready for whomever God send across my path. we all need mercy and to be seen. i know after the last week, i need mercy. i need mercy. thankful today that i am beginning for the first time in my life to understand undeserved grace, beautiful mercy.

do not grow weary in doing good

yesterday i was asked more than 15 times to give. 15 times in maybe 4 hours...i was worn out and ready to say no. it's hard to choose to "see" that many people, look into their eyes and say yes, okay here's a little something. i stopped wanting to give after about number 5, i felt a little attacked and vulnerable. on my way home, the words "do not grow weary in doing good" came to mind. i felt the weariness and wonder how i could keep this up if i was asked 15 times everyday instead of the usual 2 or 3. i wonder how jesus felt, or even feels, being asked a thousand, million times a day for this or that...i sure he wants to know our needs, wants to respond. he did respond on earth to both the person and the need, what is so overwhelming for me may have just been the natural response of the savior. still have alot to process about yesterday, and what days like it mean for my life.

love your enemies

i think experiment is becoming more natural for me and i can see how practicing open hands, open heart leads to actually having at least more openness than before. but also how it can be so terribly painful. I had the strange and sad opportunity to meet the long term "babu" of one of our ladies last week. He is an austrailian man in his forties and he has been visiting one of the SB ladies since she was 14. i was full of loathing as i thought about meeting him but it was important to this lady that i do so...so i went to her house for tea. i felt like i sat down at the table in the presence of my enemy. I felt like he represented all that i hate about what men do to women who work in the trade. he was superior and justified his actions without me saying a word. mind you i did not say much, i was polite and kind and treated with him respect more for my friends sake than his. i wanted to yell and accuse. to demand explanation for his relationship with my friend, his use of her, his choice to continue to seek out other very young girls to sleep with in the red light area....but i felt the need to be silent, to be kind, to remember in the presence of my enemy that i am called to love my enemies and pray for those who persecute. i sense my presence and the presence of jesus that came with me was enough for him to feel all the condemnation that he must keep at bay, because it poured out with my saying anything, the guilt, the justification, the proud proclamation of what he believes. my silence i think was a grace for both of us...because instead of not so righteous anger, i was just so sad for this man. so sad for my friend and the lives of parrell pain and suffering that we inflict on each other. i felt sick with the sadness for my friend and twistedness of one of the most consistent relationships in her life is a man to who she can barely communicate and who openly sleeps with her and her neighbors. having an open heart, is painful, to let everyone in, to let them take a piece, even my enemies...jesus laid down his life not just for the righteous but for his enemies from that day to this....this is a beautiful profoundly painful sacrifice. i do not think i could lay down my life for that man, it was hard enough to hold my tongue. what a terrible, terrible tragedy that i so rarely comprehend this profound gift of grace, of undeserved forgiveness. may we all grow in grace and the knowledge of jesus...

Oh yes...me and beth played too!

 

A little colorful fun at SB...

seeing with different eyes

i treasure good frienships. I am guess most people do. Being more or less on my own for the last ten days i have relearned a few things about myself. I really do need to space and rest. when i have space and rest, i can give out and share life a whole lot better. that was my experience in omaha. i lived alone but that made my times with people more full, more enjoyable. i like being alone a bit but i really enjoying hosting people, caring for them, being hospitable too. i have had a couple of guests this week and the alone time has made those times feel more full, more special. i hung out with a friend on friday night and it was good just to talk and be. i think i realize that i continue to give out of a space of emptiness rather than fullness because i am never really alone and it does take me awhile when i do get those moments to relax. having extended time alone has helped me relax. i am wondering if i can find the space tod live this out on regular basis. i think finding my own place will help. maybe i could be relaxed and ready to share my life more readily. i want to treasure people better. treasure time with friends. not be compelled in a 1000 have to's but live in the 10 i would love to's. i have so so much to learn.

march 14,15,16: my experiment is still going and i am still very much working out how important it is to be prepared. thats really the thing i think. being prepared to give, making my heart ready to give and maybe not just to those who ask of me but everyone else. today ezekial 47 was the passage for sermon and the river that came out of the temple...i love that passage. the smallness of stream becoming a river that can not be crossed and the fruit and health that comes of the small things that God starts. in His will things will move beyond our control but good things still come (he does not need us to be in control)because thats his plan. the beggars of calcutta are teaching me to see the small things again. the things that first called me to this city...jesus reflected in the poorest of the poor. those who cry out in desperation for someone to see them, feed them, clothe them, set them free from the daily darkness. i have not had perfect responses, i think i have even in this process had sinful responses to giving ie. pride or selfishness. but slowly my eyes are being reopened and my heart is being softened again. i am starting to see again. working in the red light area, i often close myself off to the other suffering...it feels like too much. but i can see that God has given me a grace to live in this place and piece of his heart for all the people of calcutta from the rich to the desperately poor. i can practice his love in keeping my hands open, by being prepared with open hands to meet all the beautiful people that God loves so desperately. i can remember Isaiah 58, remember the call that first brought me here and promises for those who live the fast. i can see again anna kumari my old friend who i meet this week after many years and i can give to her freely without worrying. i can be sad that she is only 15 and already married and still on the street begging. i can be sad that so little changes and heart broken that poverty is an unstoppable force of destruction in the lives of those who live it. i can be sad that every person i have met on the street in the last several days is a broken picture of God's image in humanity and that there are so few working to restore. i can also rejoice because the kingdom is come, the kingdom is coming and the kingdom will come in kolkata!!

silence and solidarity

so i have lost my voice again, the second time in about 3 months, seriously...maybe my times of morning contemplation are not enough, maybe God is telling me to shut up for the rest of the day too!! i got lots of good lectures today about gargling with hot water and ginger and other various home remedies. i think i must be a freak because i went about my day as normal and everyone was surprised when i could not speak. actually, trying to talk on the phone was hilarious, basically impossible with all the backround noise. i just had to hang up a couple of times....

we have been cleaning sari bari this week. it is looking quite beautiful and clean. the bags are finally making progress. upendra is amazing. gita is amazing and has stayed with me the couple of days so i would not be lonely with kristin and beth in nepal. we will be finished with all the SB legal details by the end of april. yeah!!

i am looking for a flat (small apt.). i have been considering living on my own for awhile now and feel like i am finally making progress(this after months of asking around) . I have seen one good flat...it could be better so i am going to hold out just a bit and then tonight i talked with a broker who reminded me of an indian elvis, i think it was the hair and hip swivel. anyway, he said within two weeks he would find me a place...we'll see what that means. looking for a place to live here is an ominous project. everyone overcharges because we are foriegners and they ask for outrageous deposits , which they also charge indians. i am not sure how anyone can afford to live here, i guess thats why so many don't actually have homes...i think 50 percent of the city population is still consider homeless because they live in slums or on the street. if the deposit, reflects about 25 percent of my income for the year how the heck does someone who makes a 1/3 of what i do handle such a thing. mind boggling!! solidarity takes on whole new meaning when considering these things.

this apartment search makes my open handedness seem small. what is 25 cents when i will have to invest 25 percent of my annual income in a deposit?

march 12, 13: normal calcutta days, full of sari bari life and not much else. I gave to the ladies i pass everyday on the way to sari bari. they had given up asking because i never gave. so i decide to give without being asked...just a little tea for everyone. today they all said thank you and smiled.

BE PREPARED!!

Being prepared goes a really long way on multiple levels.

March 10: Totally unprepared today. i was in Sari Bari mode. i had to run a few errands and left without money and found my self hounded and feeling selfish and a bit frustrated and at being a bit dehumanized but also at myself for not being prepared. the experience hardened my heart a bit which caused me to look away once or twice during the rest of the day. when i have nothing but 500 rupee notes what do i do? give the 500 rupees? makes me wonder if i am truly being generous because what i have given up to this point has not really cost me anything but some time in slowing down to see the people asking for my help.

March 11: prepared today...made a difference. was in new market for a bit so had multiple giving opps. still wondering how generous i need to be when giving to everyone who asks...when most only expect a ruppee or two. gave one lady 10 rupees, more than usual but still does not cost me anything but a few seconds to Pull out the bill and look the woman in the eye.

on a another note, i started Weight watchers. another example where being prepared is really important. i have to plan the day before what i will eat or it will not work. so much effort to be prepared all the time. working toward my goal of 35 by 35!

being prepared is a discipline. faithfulness to a person, a project or idea does not just happen. it takes discipline, practice. i always seem to forget that faithfulness is not so much a passive thing...rather it seems to be one of the most active of the mind games i play. practicing faithfulness for one more day...trying anyway. we will see what happens today!

8 rupees

March 8: i think i have been of the mind set in the last year that i will not give unless i hear a from God otherwise. and i think the last week has lead me to see that there are errors in this thinking. right now i am ready to give to anyone who asks...i am wondering if the better perspective is being ready to give unless i hear that i should not. many only ask for a rupee or two...the elderly lady by the metro with her hand out, the man at the corner of hazra road, the older man by upendra's all for 8 rupees. they did not ask for more...this is how they make their living...one or two rupees at a time.

a softer open heart just might be easier to maintain that the hard heart. i am finding it easer to give and i am finding myself prepared to give, my heart ready with compassion. when i am ready to give to anyone who asks, strangely i am finding that i might really be seeing people better because i am not closing myself to their needs before i am even really speak to them.

Today and yesterday

Today was a holiday. And yesterday i was at Sari Bari all day. No opportunities to hold my hand open to those one the streets. However, I did have a few unique opportunities to use my skills(they are strange and varied to be sure). I mediated a conflict at Sari Bari between two ladies. They gossip sometimes and hurt each other...so many women in one place is always a bit sparky! I must say i am loving upendra...he is so amazing! i love dreaming with him about Sari Bari. i loved talking with upendra yesterday about opening a bank account...he was so excited! I rested today because it was a holiday and helped a friend figure out how to start a business of her own for the ladies. i sat on the floor and processed life with beth before she left for nepal (hope you are enjoying the treasure of nepal bethie!)I spring cleaned my room halfway, the rest maybe will happen on saturday. i tried to bid on an ipod but i am bad at it because in my world i will get one for 25USD when they are selling for 150USD. it can't hurt to keep trying. I had to fight to pay the right price for an auto and ended up in an auto with the sweetest guy ever..so thankful for those calcutta redemptive moments. I loved coming home from coffee today in an auto...it was a scene full of life and energy. everyone is out because it is warming up...men sitting on their haunches playing cards, drinking tea, avoiding their wives, women out shopping, people selling veggies,chickens and towels, men holding their kids, business men in dirty autos looking funny because they look so professional and out of place scrunched into an auto with 5 other guys. it was the kolkata i love....full of life, full of people, the kind of day where i can almost forget that i don't quite fit, still i think i belong.

more on the experiment...

March 3: walking by the river, a woman in the slums by the tracks waves us over. biscuits for all the kids she asks....so biscuits it is, 12 packs (1 dollar). And 5 rups to the man who could not walk. hard to take in all the need everywhere. still seems like the neediest might be those who do not have the power to ask...

Heart Experiment

Blessed are the poor...for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

I am doing a little heart experiment. prompted by last weeks experience with the little boy. I am going to give to everyone who asks of me. I am going to give them money, tea, time, and food. And i will not say no. I am going to do this for a month and see if my hard heart cracks up a bit. I am going to do a daily update whenever i encounter someone to i should extend my hand.

1 March: Today is the first day. I avoid all places with beggars.

2 March: Park street. i never give on park street. begging is a profession. but today i gave not much just a little. i almost did not give. this has become my first response. i gave to the kids and the old ladies who always ask. i was afraid of giving because they always ask for more. they did today but it did not matter.

3 March: taking a taxi, the woman and the baby, she did not look into my eyes. not once, only extended her hand. i felt her shame, her brokeness. her lost humanity, my privledge punches me in the gut.

4 march: a new day. god gave me matthew 5 for today. new eyes to live the day...


3 "You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.
4 "You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
5 "You're blessed when you're content with just who you are— no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.
6 "You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.
7 "You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for.
8 "You're blessed when you get your inside world— your mind and heart— put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.
9 "You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.
10 "You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom.
11 "Not only that— count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable.
12 You can be glad when that happens— give a cheer, even!— for though they don't like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble.
13 "Let me tell you why you are here. You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You've lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage.
14 "Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill.
15 If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand.
16 Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand— shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.

keep looking for jesus today. i am...

February Pics

Here are few highlight photos from our Beach trip plus some. Wish i could show you all the best ones of all of the beautiful ladies faces...but this will give you an idea. plus you got keen in her bo derek out of the water walk and bethie smilling while she drowns...and of course tea and then breakfast the Charlotte and Julian.

The Rooftops

Coming down off the rooftops is hard. We visit one brothel in the gach every week and we have the most amazing conversations sitting on roof, looking at the sky as the sun sets every Tuesday. I forget that it is a brothel and that the women who live on the floors below are selling themselves and that the streets below are being filled with darkness as the sun sets. Coming down from the rooftop, I remember that I am in brothel, in red light district whose dark slippery stairs contributed to the death of one of our friends. Coming down from the rooftop is hard.

This week we celebrated the amazing 2 year anniversary of Sari Bari. We took the ladies out to eat at a nice restaurant, all of us dressed in Sari’s to mark the occasion. We went from the restaurant to the movies to escape into the Bollywood reality. It was great. After two years, it was easy to see the marked changes in the woman who have come to be apart of our community over time. They are healthy, many recovered from multiple serious health issues. Two women were hospitalized when they first came to work with us but now stand as a testimony of healing and life literally being recovered and made new. All the women, including the trainees, a reflect a glow that they did not have when they first walked through our doors. They love each other. Some of them love Jesus and it really shows. They have begun to know that they are loved. If you ask them what kind of business we have, they will tell you “freedom” is our business. If you ask them about their life they will tell you that is has so much value and they are starting to believe it. The woman we shared our celebration meal with and the women we stood with at the entrance to movies are not prostitutes, they are not rejected, they are not without value. No one could recognize them as anything but beautiful Indian women on a day out. It was beautiful…a picture of profound redemption. It was the rooftop so to speak.

But Kolkata sneaks in a reminds me, even on a day like our 2nd anniversary celebration that we do not get to stay on the rooftops watching the sunsets forever. I was distracted by a small boy while waiting for entrance to the movies. He was covered in scabies and in a really bad state. He was begging, asking for money with a sad face that marks a beggar on the Kolkata streets. I felt my heart harden…I wanted to say don’t you see who I am with, I am serving these ladies, loving these ladies, giving my life to Jesus for these ladies. But there he was demanding my attention, my money, my life. And I just at that moment was not willing to let anyone take my life from me, nor was I willing to give it freely, I wanted my moment of joy to be free from suffering and relish in the moments of redemption and hope. I asked the little boy where his mother was and thought I might give her a piece of my mind about letting her small son get in such a bad physical condition. He said he did not have parents. My hands had to open a little…to see the little boy. I had to let him into the inner circle of the redeemed when in my heart I wanted to keep him out. We were able to get the little boy some food and find out that he also had and “owner” (like many of the women we know who still work in the trade) who controlled his begging and his earnings. I am still thinking about that little boy. Thinking about my hard heart and my desire to hold on to my earnings, even my kingdom earnings, when they are not mine to begin with and never will be. What has happened at Sari Bari and in the relational ministry in the red light areas in the last two years is Gods gift to the women of those places. His gifts are not only for them but for the little boys who beg and who need a savior as desperately as the women, as desperately as I do. I realize again and again that I can not open my hand and my heart to one and close my hand and my heart to others. The gift is an open gift for all to receive.

I have been given the gift of compassion. It is hard gift because as Nouwen says it often open to receive another kind of gift which is the gift of self confrontation To suffer with, we must suffer. The little boy confronted me with my pride and selfishness. The women confront me with my impatience, fear of rejection and my own struggle with value. I have to let them in to let God change me, I have to open my hands and let the rooftop moments mingle with the moments in the dark alley.

“God’s compassionate heart does not have limits. God’s heart is greater, than the human heart. It is the divine heart that God wants to give us so that we can love all people without burning out or becoming numb.”

My prayer is always that my heart would be just little like Jesus for those that He loves in Kolkata. I am looking for 100 people to come alongside me as prayer partners this year and in the coming years. The work continues to grow and good, good fruit is coming but I continue to see the need for more of God’s grace and His love and His hand in all the work that we do and in my own life. If you would be interested in praying for me on a regular basis please let me know.

Also if you would be interested in supporting me personally or in supporting the work at Sari Bari please send me an email and I can tell you how to do that as well.

Looking very much like my mom!

 

reflecting on my very bruised and also dirty leg!!

 

this bruise actually got much worse before it got better...it has all but disappeared now a week after my encounter with a motorcycle on the kolkata streets! There was also one on my bum but i am not sharing that!

i wish...

for starry skies, and dreamy nights, and good, good friends, and lazy days and easy conversation. i long for intimacy deep and true, free and bound in love. i dream of not being selfish or of being selfish because someone else has told me i can for just today. i wish for unfrizzy hair and clean feet and empty streets and coffee, coffee, coffee all the time...cold or hot. i wish for gentleness and kindness and faithfulness for myself and my friends. i dream of strong embraces and closed back doors and places where no one leaves you. i wish for newness everyday. i wish to make right the things that were not right before and then i wish i could let them go. i wish for dancing bears, and calling monkeys and finished financials. i wish for more....

The wide open spaces

the wide open spaces of God's grace...so freeing and so scary really. I am not good at grace. giving it or receiving it really, but the last months has been full of lesson after lesson of grace. i can not problem solve my way through everything, i can not make it alright, or perfect. i can only be myself and wait in the wide open spaces. I can ponder the aquarium in my belly...the one i have been so afraid of sharing because i thought it might full of sharks,darkness and sludge but am finding the more i reveal the more beautiful and quiet the aquarium becomes....this may not make sense to you. its all about transparency...most importantly being transparent with myself and not so afraid of who i am or who i might reveal. if i only believe in the sharks and the sludge maybe thats what i will be...but if i believe in the beauty that comes from living in grace maybe thats what i will be.

i have been given a really sweet gift the last 6 weeks. i have been dating an indian/ swedish guy named michael. he leaves to go back to sweden today actually. and i have been having fun...so much fun. if feel like he is God's gift to me to reflect back to me things about myself i do not believe. i am not foolish to believe that in six weeks a guy can really know me but michael really reflects thing back to me about myself that i want to believe but struggle too...such as being able beautiful to someone, or being one who is gentle and kind, or being fun to be around. i feel like some of the lies i have been believing about myself are being crushed under the feet of kindness and friendly coffee dates. it has been a gift to escape my very full work weeks in the middle of day for a coffee or take the time that I worked extra last week and use it another day for something that has been super life giving. i am filling up on goodness and it is affecting every part me. its not all about michael at all...he is just part of it. he is just a key that helped open another locked door in my heart. for you curious people, this is nothing serious and will basically end with friendship since i am not really interested in long distance but still i am celebrating the gift it has been. and i am ready and open for another gift of this type soon!!

there is much i want to leave behind from the last six months...to throw off the lies i have believed, the hurts i have ingested, the darkness that left me empty. i often talk about the ladies becoming new...but i think i am becoming something new and i will be able to shed the dark shroud of fear and pain for the wedding gown of beauty and full live, so to speak. there are many losses to be aborbed this month...my dear friend charlotte and julian leave in just two weeks, michael leaves today, our friend abishek leaves at the end of the month. i have already had many tears over these losses, especially over charlotte and julian but i think in the wide open space of grace i can trust that God will meet in the losses, and restore in some unseen way these friends and still allow me to wear the wedding gown in midst of it.

God is my protector and defender too!! i was hit by a motorcycle on sunday (mom and dad don't freak out, i am very much okay)...by a policeman. i got knocked on my booty and i have the serious bruises to prove it but i walked away. the ladies have scolded me for not causing a riot and getting the policeman beat up for hitting me...but i told them i forgive him and that i am just thankful to God that it was not a bus!! so thankful to be alive, healthy, growing in grace in kolkata!! (will post a bruise picture at a later date)

may you all grow in grace and the knowledge of jesus!!

SB is finally legal

Amazing day! Really amazing...the long awaited day....SB is now legal in India. We got our trade liscense...the next step and easier step is business registration with the goverment and in a few years maybe we will be a company LLC! We were all quite overwhelmed today at our staff development meeting. Just another prayer answered and really an answer to prayers of women who have yet to leave the trade...more lives will be made new! What a beautiful gift on a thursday...certainly a gift for the 27 women who currently walk in freedom because of a few old saris and a little grace from the master.

Some light reading if you are interested....

Restoring Life in the Red Light Districts of Kolkata, India
By Sarah Lance
http://www.lausanneworldpulse.com/urban.php/884

The New Conspirators: The Broken Among the Broken
By Chris Heuertz
http://mustardseedjourney.wordpress.com/2008/01/02/the-new-conspirators-the-broken-among-the-broken/

Things that I will love this year...

The beautiful amazing Daphne marrying her true heart friend Caleb in may.

My friend Kate marrying herself a Bengali!

Maybe 15 new women coming out of the sex trade through Sari Bari!

Guitar lessons! Yes i might become the next Hendrix...

Going on dates...yes it is possible.

Kerry and Annie coming home to Kolkata in February.

Getting my own little place.

Eating indian food every single day.

Turning 35 and hoping that older means smarter, kinder, and more generous. more beautiful inside and out would not bother me either.

my gray hairs

real friendships

creating beautiful things for my friends and for sari bari

Going to Disney World for a real family vacation.

visiting the Forcatto's and all the fleshies in Argentina

everything new and made new under the hand of the master...

Down by the river

Some of these are from the Burning Ghats(where they cremate the dead) so view with discernment.

whole life

so i am back in crazy k-town. the a cacophony of horns wake me up in the morning. I squeeze myself into the metro to get to my favorite place in the world and get the beautiful priveledge of walking with the women of SB in their lives of freedom. I get to see the kingdom coming everyday. there is fullness in my life because of my communities prayers and hopes and dreams.

after my time of rest, i have been pondering what it means to have full life. i certainly have a life that is full. but sometimes, it is so full of work and things i feel i have to do that i lose the joy. i want it all. the treasure of freedom for the women and the satisfaction of work, the peace of rest and the joy of play. i want to create something new everyday....spend myself fully and not battle burnout.

i am a woman who wants to make things happen and when they do not or there is disappointment i take it hard. i realized that i need to be in place where i can relax and just "be" in the all the situations i find myself. i can not control and fix myself or fix everyone around me. i am terribly hard on myself most of the time...so this needs to be my year of grace. the year i learn to live in grace, walk in grace and be graceful. like i said before i need to let the savior save and everyone around me instead striving so hard to create a perfect situation that my never exist. because i see the kingdom coming inspite of me, inspite of all the failures, all the hardness of real relationship, all the trials of living in another a culture. the kingdom comes in spite of me...thank sweet jesus for that.

i am wishing for newness for my heart this year. a fresh fullness that comes from being one who is saved and knowing that is enough.

i also want to lose 35 pounds this year...35 because i am turning 35 and it seems like a good time to try for it. so i am filling my plate with fruit and vegtables and holding off on the all the lovely goodies i got for christmas. but still enjoying little treasures like chocolate with my coffee this morning. but of course even in this i hope to walk in grace.

so a toast to new life, a whole life, and walking in grace.

cheers!

A few photos of Chirstmas and 100 of the mountains

Best of Dec 2007

wondering

i am wondering how the world can contain so much beauty and so much pain. i am conflicted by the amazing 24 hours i had on the high mountains overlooking the himalayas and the desperation of being sick again with giardia and the bus ride back to kathmandu...see povertys cost to humanity. empty blank eyes asking me for help...begging but not looking. words swirling around the bus like development and underdevelopment, economics and the floating dollar, the gold standard and poverty causes. everyone wants someone to be responsible but no one wants responsiblity...this includes me right now. i wanted to escape in pokara...pretend that only me and God existed for a few days. but escape was not possible...God can not be seperated from the need in the world. he does not take a timeout from the suffering...but i desperately wanted not to be offered maryjane, or massages by teenage boys or hear the sneering calls of the beggars looking to corner a rich westerner. i am weary of the talk, of the hurt and of myself. i had the mountain top for 24 amazing hours in a five days period...only sunrises and sunsets on the himalayas, sunshine and stunning silence, brillant stars and clean air. but it only exists as a apart of the rest of the days full of restlessness, wondering, doubt, fear, striving, difficult prayer and pain. i want to seperate and isolate but that does not seem to be the call. i know this...i think i am just tired. a suffering world with a good God is a hard place to live. mother teresa prayed with her windows open to the streets of kolkata...i am praying for the grace to do the same.

i am thankful to be amoung the sweet ktm community and be embraced by their hugs and kisses and taco dinners! i am thankful to see a week of love changing the lives of little children and thankful for another day to try and meet the emmanuel who is with us in it all.

walking

i woke up not feeling so good yesterday...nepal food seems to do this to me! so i held off on hiking the mountain which i think was a good thing. later in the afternoon i went for a 2.5 hour walk and now i am seriously paining in my knees and hip flexors...so sad. there is always something to be said for slow. and slow is what i am supposed to be doing...slow and silent. yesterday was restless...thus the very long walk.

i am headed up to stay at sarangkot for my remaining two days...i can get a room for 10 bucks a day instead of the 5 i am paying now and the view is suposed to be spectacular. i am a little weary of the touristy thing here in pokara....not enough nature and to many people for me!

has anyone ever seen the cross between a turkey and a duck? well i have here in pokara--the body of a duck and the ugly face of a turkey with the gobbling noise and the bobbing head. so weird...seen it twice but both times without my camera...you will just have to imagine it!!

so maybe no internet up on the mountain...we will see i guess. more when i get back to KTM.

breathing

i am soaking up the beauty in touristy pokara. i have not been here for more than 5 years and it is really touristy now. but i can see the lake and the annapurnas from my windows and i walked alot today absording the sun and sky and mountain ranges. i am going to hike to sarangkot tomorrow...three hour hike. my knees have been much better so i am hoping they stay that way. right now i am sore in a normal way from all the walking.

I am doing an advent based retreat at D-baynes suggestion. and loving the sweet simplicity of welcoming the savior. because that is really what i have been needing to do..welcome my savior and let myself be saved. today i reflected on joseph and how overwhelmed he must have felt, seemingly the father of a an illegitmate child, caring for his family with inadequate resources, fathering at least on earth the son of God. I found myself in a very real way identifying with joseph...the overwhelmed, overresponsible part but then seeing in a real way, that joseph must have been okay because i a very real way he had to depend on the Father and let him in to be his savior even as he welcomed the savior into the world. these are incomplete thoughts...any. thanks to all you who are praying...

off to find more beauty and breath in the heart of the savior.

Nepal

christmas programs, overdone and well done, root canals that aren't that bad, burritos with the works, bundled in heavy blankets fighting the cold, bacon and black coffee, seeing old friends, watching hope spring in little lives..oh such a nice couple of days i have had.

I am in nepal now. I got here saturday and have been enjoying life with the community here. so great to see guatum and rekha and see how much their lives have changed and the hope that continues to spring from what God is going in their lives and the lives around them.

i have needed a break and i am hoping this time of rest will help me refocus and get back on my feet on an emotional and spiritual level. i can feel myself just starting to let down. I leave for pokara tomorrow for a 5 days personal retreat...all alone with the silence, my bible and hopefully some long walks in nature. i am leaving early than expected because my root canal--yes they have a good dentist in nepal will require three visits. i had my first visit and it went really well and i have my next one on tuesday so i planned the retreat part in between. When i get back i will have more time with the nepal staff before heading back to kolkata on the 23rd.

i am little afraid of being alone for 5 days but if i could discern something that might be good but hard for me this would be what i need right now. i am taking some yarn,my crochet hook and a bible and will wait to see what god says in the waiting silence. my hopes are up...

i am off to exlpore thamel today... revist old memories and drink some coffee.

can you read my blogger?

we can not get blogger for some reason. i can post...at least i think i can...as you can see if you are reading this now. so weird. i am wondering if it is blocked in India for some reason. who knows?

so i am happily finishing off my first good day in awhile. we had 4 new ladies start training at Sari Bari today and maybe a few more starting on Wednesday. it was good a day...so beautiful to see more women coming into freedom. nice to have a very full house at SB. beautiful to see SB ladies bringing other ladies into freedom. i love being apart of kolkata's freedom story. i just love it!

i am a little homesick...being sick for awhile always seems to do that! and so does darn cute pictures of my neice addy! wow what a cutie..she makes amazing faces as seen below! Grace makes some pretty good ones too!!






Well thats all for now. thankful for my life with the SB ladies and thankful to have family all over the world, including the super cool beth and kristin, when i am homesick!

oh my aching bones...

today i made my first venture out of the house for the first time in 5 days to go and meet Kim at the airport. My fevers have slowed and i am really feeling the joint pain. pretty sure today i over did it by going out but that will not prevent me from going to Sari Bari at least half day tomorrow even if i am justing sitting with the ladies talking!! this fever is so weird, makes you feel a little crazy because you do something easy that you are used to doing like walking up the stairs and then your knees hurt for the rest of the day or you spend to much time trying to catch up on the computer and your wrists hurt.

for all my hardwork of going to pick up our christmas presents from kim at the airport i got lots of hugs and TLC from the visiting Sari Bari three who are at our house on tuesdays. They make me feel loved and they were also a great mom replacement on a sick day. being sick has had some benefits...i have had lots of time to think and i have thought up a couple of really cool ideas for sari bari--can't wait to get back to work and make some samples...but for the cc people reading, i am still going to be taking it slow this week at least!

sad to be sick

Well, i am sick with what appears to Chikungunya fever, that means fevers, flu like symptoms, nausea, and achy, sometimes painful joints. All three of us have it...kristin is on her way to recovery but beth and i are still battling the fevers. The doctor told beth that it might take 2 or 3 months to recover (thats best case) from the joint pain. so i think i need some fish oil pills...heard those where good for the joints. sadly, this means beth and i need to give up our half marathon in january and i might need to give up my break in the nepal which was going to include a trek. sad! i have been logging the hours watching all available TV on video and speed reading a 1000 page book--200 pages left and i started on saturday.

i want to be patient but i also want to go to work. I am not sure if God is saying rest or if something else is at work. glad to have an amazing bengali staff to pick up the slack. i am thankful for that and thanksgiving leftovers because i have been surving on mashed potatoes for three days (which i love).

Happy Thanksgiving

where are you?

Yes, i know i have not been around much later. I have found myself with much and little to say as we have been working our little behinds off to get Sari Blankets to the states and the UK.

I have a million thoughts and reflections on the beauty of teamwork and community as we came together to make the impossible happen. The joy of being crowded in our small little (sari) Bari patching and photographing the handwork of freedom for the the women. The joy of handing off the work of many months to be sent and shared with the world for a tangible affirmation of new life as people purchase blankets for their friends and family for christmas.

all this work for christmas orders has me thinking about christmas before thanksgiving. thinking about what a gift we have in jesus as our God who saves, our emmanuel..God with us.

I am listening to Mindy Smith's Christmas album feeling more sentimental by the moment and looking forward to watching White Christmas tomorrow (because yes i am downloading it on my itunes!). The thought of my neice singing "snow, snow, snow" is making me cry and long for my other home in the embrace of my family. But I think i am okay with that longing because almost everyday it is filled with the faces and arms of my other family...the ladies of sari bari, who are my tangible hope!

thankful to be in the arms of jesus because he saves, thankful for aunt mary and her passion for all things sari bari and for being my cheerleader, thankful for skype through which i can talk with everyone i love in america, thankful for ghetto dancing madness at christian events in india, thankful for more freedom and more hope for my beautiful friends at sari bari, thankful to celebrate thanksgiving in india with lots of things to be grateful for, thankful for praying before bed with kristin and beth, thankful to be downloading White Christmas, and i am thankful to be who i am, where i am...at least i am trying.

Sweet Community

These are few shots of our time with Silas, our Regional Coordinator, who came down from nepal to last week to encourage our community and help work through some good stuff. Needless to say, i was encouraged! We celebrate communion together and life together! More soon....

Sari Bari gets noticed!

does any one think grays anatomy might be cheap therapy?

the street before it got really crowed!!

really cute neighbor kids!

more cute neighbor kids...

so i just spent the last half hour crying(maybe weeping is better)through grays anatomy...have you seen the one in season three that makes you weep? you must know what i am talking about if you have seen it. i think crying is so healing. i wish a few tears could come without watching grays. i spent the last two days in luxury...someone nicely anonymously sponsored a a couple days at a sweet hotel for me. i spent have this time trying to achieve the emotional breakthrough that one episode of grays can do...this is superficial i know. glad to cry though... glad to remember those i love in all this drama that i feel is my life here sometimes.

i spent the last couple of hours before grays people watching downstairs. seeing all the beautiful people of india out and about on the street in front of my building celebrating their puja. they are so beautiful. my neighbors are so beautiful...kind and generous with their time and their tea. shared ice cream and conversation can make the world a better place i am pretty sure.

thankful for tears and books that rip my face off. thankful for cheese and wine and being at home. thankful for jesus in the midst of hard times. thankful for treadmills and running even when i do not want to...thankful to see maya tomorrow. thankful for tears and hope in suffering. amen!!

Confessions from the last two days alone in Kolkata

...it took me two days to do the dishes from our Saturday night visitors, yes i did them this morning!

...i read the whole section on suffering from Henri Nouwens "Here and Now"

...i have spent way too much time on the internet doing nothing. yes the gap has cute stuff but i can not wear it in india so why do i bother looking?

...i had our neighbor from downstairs come up for tea and movie today but mostly we just talked about life...it was nice!

...i went to the broadway hotel to hang out with George and his english friends and i had so much fun darn it!

...i barely left the house today, only to buy milk for tea and a bengali news paper for studying. the guy i bought the paper from somehow knew i lost my passport and asked me if i got a new one--how do people find these things out?

...i got my new indian visa, handwritten, i am not sure they will let me back in the country if i ever leave. i had to tell the guy that the correct word was "transferred" not "transpried" for what they were doing with my visa.

...i did my laundry but not very well. sometimes hand washing a two loads is just too much!

...i watched some grays anatomy.

...i had an amazing meal with one our friends from the gach. she was so sweet and generous and made me think that i will never be alone here...she told me i could come over any time day or night while beth and kristin are gone. she does not understand how i could possible want to be alone. i felt loved.

...i am currently being bombarded with loud non sensical music from the loud speakers outside my window...these sounds will last till 2 or 3 am and will go on for the next week at least. yes, puja season is here and bad loud speaker music is the anthem of the rest of my week.

...got an email from kristin and everyone is happy and learning good things in nepal. this makes me happy.

...oh, and i gave myself a pedicure-minus nail polish removal (no remover), i just had to paint over the old stuff but my feet are really clean. And i gave myself a facial...i did two masks...maybe this was too much but my skin needs help!!

A question of support...

Hey blog friends...just wanted to let you know that i posted my november prayer letter on the WMF website if you want to check it out.

Also I feel like I need to let my blogging friends know that I looking for some more great people to join my support team. i am really struggling with financial support. Usually, there is just enough to meet the needs of my salary and health care but for some reason i am in the hole right now (about -$700) and need some help. I have reviewed my yearly expenses and if I could raise an additional $200 a month that should cover all my support needs...that would just be 20 more people at $10 a month. If you are interested in supporting me you can do so by going to the this link on the WMF website (all the info you need to give on one handy page). Find the easiest way for you to give, indicate the gift is for my support account and then be sure of my thanks!!

I know that alot of you who read my blog do not get my prayer letters so i thought this might be a good way to let you know my needs. Thanks for taking the time to consider these things...

your thoughts, love, comments and prayers are always appreciated!

Jeremiah 17

i reached for deep water
but i can no longer try
trying has bent me over
wasted my limbs and pulled at my roots
i yearn i reach i strain
and i am still dry
still parched and battered by the wind
frail and longing for the deep
the river flows near
i wait for refreshment
i wait
i wait
i reach for deep water
but i can no longer try
trying has bent me over

for the deep water
i thirst
let my roots soak in what my limbs can not reach
thirsty i wait by the river
i must wait
so i wait because i can no longer try

doesnt everybody want to be loved

i am headed to the gach to be with girls i love...i do love them. i have good friend here and really all over the world who i love alot. i love the ladies at sari bari to the moon and back. i live with two women i love and respect alot. i love upendra and his quirky little ways and how much he loves his wife and how much his son loves to be around him. i love gita and her hard coreness for coming to work sick...even when i tell her not too. i even love kolkata and the people in it on my good days and that is what keeps me here on the bad ones...

i personally want to be loved for who i am...i want to be willing to be who i am and have that not be such a scary prospect for myself. I wish i did not care what other people think...i am trying and right at the moment learning that sometimes even when you make a good decision people still might not like it and treat you bad. i think i mostly feel sad because i want to the best for everyone and i want everyone to be happy and feel respected and cared for... i have to learn to feel confident in these strange gifts god has given me, like telling the truth, and foresight and thinking through every last little detail...however they sometimes make me feel lonely and i wish i could live in my INFP world all the time and did not have to be a "D". so basically when i feel this way i just remember who i love and who does love me and try not to worry about the rest. this is hard...but i am learning.

Good end to a hard day

okay, i am done changing my blog...you know is like a quarterly cycle for me. there is not much in my life i can change on a regular basis so the blog must change. i used to change my hair color every 6 months but i do not have the money or energy for that...the gray hair is winning and i think the blog is a safer place for change in the end.

i have sad news...i lost my passport. this is humiliating all by itself. in fact my feelings of humility kept me patience and very contrite at all the government offices i had to go too last thursday to get my passport replaced. sadly, today i learned that not only is my passport lost but there is no way in God's green earth that i will be able to make to our regional staff retreat...there are absolutely no tickets...not even first class until october 29th. i am sad. so this means at least three more weeks in kolkata and about 10 days on my own--trying to figure out something to do with myself since sari bari will be closed and everyone, and i do mean everyone will be gone in nepal or england or australia.

i know there must be a silver lining somewhere in this...i think i better do a what i am thankful for list to help me remember the good things...

i love sari bari, i love the ladies at sari bari, i love cold diet pepsi, i love the chili beth made for dinner tonight that tasted like home, i love taking pictures, i love skype and facebook and blogs in general, i love people who get excited about God heart for transformation, i love the rain that cools down kolkata, i love that someday soon i will get to go to nepal and have a personal retreat, i love that all things work out in the end (somehow), i love that being thankful is a good end to a hard day.

Pics from around Kolkata

Kristins "Beautiful" Birthday

 

 

 

 

Flowers for Hope

So we did the flower thing again on friday night and it was amazing and beautiful and profound. I was totally unprepared....coming off a week of sickness and struggle for the goodness and hope that began as soon i handed the first girl a flower. Their faces lighted up...hands reached out...it was so good to encourage and be apart of their smiles for just one moment. we specifially went into one brothel where my good friend J lives...i have been visiting her every week for the last year or so. she lives in room with 9 other young girls. they never leave but new ones always come...for some reason i have favor with their owner and he does not mind our visits...it was really beautiful to go up in our sari's and give them flowers...they were so suprised and happy. J just kept saying this is good, this is so good. so we gave beautiful flowers (surjo muky--the "face of the sun flower") to beautiful girls....so many young, struggling, hard pressed girls who we hope got a glimpse of their loveliness and their value on friday night...it was a good night.

Sari Bari Site Launch

well my friends, after much work and drama, blood, sweat (alot of sweat on my end as i watched in progress in the kolkata humidity), and tears...the sari bari website launched today! In six months you should be able to purchase your very own sari bari product online! You can still purchase now you just need to contact melinda (her info is on the sari bari blog!

www.saribari.com

quote of the day

If there is an upside to freefalling, it is the chance you give your friends to catch you. (grays anatomy, season 2)

This broken space is mine

if i sleep, i dream
broken by bathroom breaks
and heavy weighted thoughts
stumbling to rest
in my crowded thoughts
like a pack rat...
only i do not wear my clutter on the outside
only inside it is hard to find space
for peace
searching for king and kingdom
in the dirty walkways
lingering beside the gardens for their comfort
finding little but dusty leaves
wondering at a deeply rooted life, so dry it feels so much
like kindling
a burst of flame might destroy
this tender balance of extremes
compelled like the cyclonic rain outside my window
out of control
but ending is ensured by natures cycles
uninterrupted peace, quiet tickle my dreams
my sleep, deadness if only for a few hours
relief from this heaviness
on my knees, like a tree bent in half by the weight from not being pruned back
this broken space is mine

rainy beach trips are the best!

so we went to digha for a break (sat-mon)...digha is a beach town on the bay of bengal. On the precise day and hour of long awaited time of rest in the sun we found ourselves in the middle of a cyclone ( a tropical depression which creates heavy rains, crazy wind and thunderstorms). I have never walked in wind so hard that you think it might knock you over until this weekend, nor have i have been whipped in the face by rain pellets so that it really hurt ( it really really hurt.) everytime we went out we found ourselves soaked to bone wet...but...yes the but is there...we did have good rest. i was desperate to leave the city...even willing to endure a 5.5 hours bus ride to get away from it. so we got there and slept the rainy afternoon away...it was amazing. we had 2 days of rainy wet rest which included some good times with jesus in the quiet and fun times of stupid TV. we came back to ktown while the storm was still raging...and got off the bus in the middle of a huge storm....we drenched ourselves in the torrential rain and made our way safely to the metro only to find when we got off in sovabazar...that we would have to walk home though calf deep water (not so bad really, i walked through worse) while it was still downpouring. fun huh? we topped off our break with a few episodes from the OFFICE season 2. i think a good time was had by all...the rain only made for a better story!

i have alot of serious junk going on in my brain right now...to much to spell out in a blog a least today. all i can say is that i am wishing for home, longing for peace and waiting for jesus in the midst of it.

what's on my mind

so i have been sick for the last two weeks...loathing my sore throat and crammed sinus cavities, dragging myself forward when i know for sure i should be stopping, resting, being. the urgent is killing the important in my life right now. i want to rest, to just BE but it eluding me. little boys need walks to freedom and i need the hugs on the way home. ladies need second chances and by some strange chance i get to decide and i hate breaking their hearts because it breaks my own so terribly. i want everyone to have everything...i want everyone to be happy and healthy and whole. this i realize is not all for me to do or fix or make better...that's why i believe in God, right. God is not my cop out, however, being the inadequate human being that i am i choose the urgent over the important and some days really i have a hard time deciding which is which...wish someone could tell me whether my rest and healthy body was more important than the safety of two little boys but i choose the little boys this week. i have time to get better next week ( and they will be off to boarding school and hopefully a new life).

so i walked "a" and "b", the sons of our friend "P" in the gach to Freeset everyday this week to spend time at their freeset daycare....they needed a safe place for this week and freeset made space for them. i loved going to pick them up and then waking them up and watching them wash their faces and i loved holding their little hands, i loved giving them the breakfast of their choice, loved buying them ice cream on the way home. but i loved most, walking home last night holding "A" in my arms singing "ja ghari jesu ache kato annondo" (the house with jesus has so much joy!) and "Ajke re din, jesus shristi koreche" (this the day)with this little five year old down the lanes of the red light district...it felt so right to proclaim the goodness of God in those lanes holding a little boy who life God seems to be providing for in amazing ways. it was "a" who started it...he started singing what he has learned that day and so we sang together all the way home.

this was a good reminder for me of why i am here...on saturday i was not so sure that i wanted to be here anymore. being sick always makes for more drama but i was so weary of the problems, so weary of myself and my own personal drama that i thought maybe quitting would be a good option. it of course is not, and while i am still struggling and mostly exhausted after two weeks of insane hours while being sick, i am at a place of peace and hope again thanks to my urgent and definitely important little dates with a five and a six year boy.

hopefully, rest will find me tomorrow and i will journey may way into deep thought about these crazily unprocessed weeks.

the splendid and magnificent

these are things that i have loved in the last couple of days...

...6 grown middle aged men walking to the river in their towels to take a bath in the river.

...singing "how great is our God" this morning as a prayer, a testimony in the face of great darkness. A prayer lifted high for the ladies at sari bari, the ones who stayed and the ones who have gone. for the girls in the gach...j, t, m, c and s who do not have freedom yet.

...salsa dancing lessons from our friend jesse and then actually salsa dancing at a local hotel for free!

...seeing the angst with which our team, 21,22,23 years old searchs for the truth of life and God. And ever so thankful to beyond that angst and into the beauty and comfort of knowing who i am and who God is, a least for today!

...visiting the sari bari ladies who recently left and seeing a glimmer of hope that wrongs might be able to right again.

...learning to play the guitar...really play!

...singing loud and not caring what anyone thinks.

...running at 6am and making it 3 miles with not too much trouble.

...having a staff meeting on the roof of the lindsay hotel...calcutta is beautiful at night.

back to life

life is flowing again in my heart, mind, spirit...super thankful to feel back to being me with a little help from quiet rest, my mom and reunions with friends. had a great day in the gach yesterday spending time with some the women i love. some parts are so hard...so broken to watch friend in j's room line up flip on a bright light waiting to be chosen or hoping not to be chosen as the case maybe and then just come back and flop on the bed next to us and continue our conversations. the signs of the hard life of the gach was very real yesterday with the sounds of a girl crying after being beaten by her customer and the comments, resignation of the ladies I was sitting with as they heard it with me. i felt their resignation, the sense that these tears are apart of the life we or really they lead in this place. tears and pain are things you live with and accept...they happen. i want more, so much more that those tears, that pain, the resignation for these women. i want life and hope and joy mingled with the pain...that is real, that is whole life. i want whole life for myself and i want it for them.

i want it for the sweet little lady we found on the street yesterday. she apparently works cleaning the area but as soon as she got sick she was put out on the street. super discouraging but it was hopefully to see a little TLC in the form of some medicine, a sheet, some water and later some food made a difference.

well, i am off to sari bari for the day...another day in the arms of love, being loved and loving some of my favorite people in the world.

Jesus saves....

i was reading Fredrick Buechner this morning for my own private church service since i skipped the regular one today and i kind of got my face ripped off...so i wanted to share an excerpt:

....and he see's written out in large clumsy letters as they were falling apart or melting, the message "jesus saves"---just that. JESUS SAVES---with all the other signs going on with whatever they are saying too. And if that man is like most people i know, including myself much of the time and many ways he will wince at the message; that is really a very strange and interesting thing, both the message and the wincing.

God only knows what kind of person must have crawled up there with his bucket and brush to slap the words on: a man or woman, young or old, drunk or sober, by daylight or by dark. And God only knows what reason he may have had for doing it, just that way, just there. But in our strange times, amoung people more or less like us, the effect at least of the words is clear enough: Jesus Saves. The effect more or less is that we wince. One way or another, i believe we wince because we are embarrassed, and embarrassed for all kinds of reasons.

Embarrassed because the words remind us of old-time religion and the sawdust trail and pulpit pounding, corn belt parsons, evangelism in the sense of emotionalism and fundamentalism. we wince because there is something in the name of jesus that embarasses us when it stands naked and alone like that, just "jesus" with no title to soften the blow. it seems that the words "christ saves" would not bother us half so much because they have a kind of objective, theological ring to them, whereas "Jesus saves" seems cringingly painfully personal--somebody name jesus, of all names, saving somebody named whatever your name happens to be. it is something very personal written up in a place that is very public, like the names of lovers carved into the back of a park bench or an outhouse wall...

and maybe, at a deeper level still, "jesus saves" is embarrassing because if you can hear it through all your wincing, if any partat all of what it is trying to mean gets through, what it says to everbody who passes by, and most importantly and unforgivably what it says to you, is that you need to be saved. Rich man, poor man; young man, old man; religious, unreligous--the word is in its way an offense to all of them, all of us, because what it says in effect to all of us is, " you have no peace inside your skin. you are not happy, not whole." That is an unpardonable thing to say to a man whether it is true or false, but especially if it is true,because there he is, trying so hard to be happy, all of us are, to find some kind of inner peace and all in all maybe not making too bad a job of it considering the odds, so that what could be worse psychologically, humanly, that to say to him what amounts to "you will never make it. you have not and will not, a least without help?

and what could be more presumptuous, more absurd, more pathetic, than for some poor fool with a cut rate brush and a bucket of white paint to claim that the one to give that help is Jesus?...because of course, Behind the poor fool with his bucket there always stands of course the Prince of Fools himself, blessed be he, in his own way more presumptuous, more absurd and pathetic than anyone has managed to be since.

Secrets in the Dark: A Life in Sermons by Fredrick Buechner

i was talking to my mom before i read this and she gave me some good insight on how to answer the question of my anger and why i am angry. She said you need to ask yourself what it is that you are demanding and will discover why it is you are angry...this is good stuff. Almost immediately, i said i am demanding perfection of myself and everyone around me and it is making me miserable and probably everyone else too. so i feel like a failure which makes me angry and i feel terribly disappointed to sometimes the point of devastation when i hurt someone or when someone i trust hurts me. i am that person in need of saving...i mean i know this...but i am trying so hard, striving to make a good life one that honors and cares for others and but i just need that kick in my ass, that reminder that jesus saves sarah, that i will fail every time with out Him. I am not stuart smalley, i will never be good enough, smart enough and liked enough...and somehow i think i can be okay with that when i rest in Jesus arms, the arms that save me. i am offended and affronted that i can not do it on my own, i want to make myself good enough, kind enough, gentle and generous enough...but the fact is that i will never be enough and that i will never too much for Jesus to handle.

so i am feeling a bit right today, basically because i am broken and empty, that crakced jar of clay that reminds me that none of this is about me but about Him and what a relief that is...

one good this is...

i started taking guitar lesson yesterday at the Calcutta School of Music. my fingers are now raw after trying to practice today. yesterday, i as a little irritated because i just wanted to learn cords to play worship music for the ladies at SB but i became really pleasantly surprised that he is really going to teach me to play the guitar...all the cool stuff and i will understand what i am doing while playing. kind of cool...my teacher is a bit eccentric but really, really nice. i think this is going be fun! and oh yes, this costs me 12 bucks a month for one lesson every week. i think i might really be able to play decently after a couple of months...lets hope so.

much needed processing

so yes, i have been mysteriously absent. i have been unable to will myself to write a real blog...i have been settling for false intimacy on face book, which is fun but no processing happens.

so i am basically in a processing black hole...not much going in and not much going out. feel like i could probably almost always say the wrong thing ( thankfully this has only happened a few times in the last week) to the wrong person and wonder just a bit what i am doing back here.

i can not say i am discouraged nessasarily, just not right fully. my hope meter is seriously low and self love is in the pits of the mirey depths. i feel like i pull myself out for a few moments everday but there is always an opposing moment when i wonder i will ever recover from this stupid culture shock, jet lag, being a human being thing.

so i think i just need to verbally expel some drama from the last week...feel free to stop here if you want. it might be more than you want to know

i arrived just over a week ago on a strike day...no taxis or autos so i had to lug my bags onto a bus--not so bad really. i did not mind the adventure because it was keeping me awake. and my cell phone was dead after a month in the states and i arrive at new market hoping to plug in at a local coffee shop but nope they do not have that convient thingy that lets you recharge for free. i went to new market because there was no direct way home...and i needed help with my bags to catch the next bus to our house...anyway could not get ahold of kristin or beth so upendra came and we brought my stuff to sari bari.

sari bari was good...actually each time i have been in the last week it has been a shining light in my day. and basically, with how hard things have been with sari bari and the loss of some of our ladies while i was gone this is amazing in itself. i think my hope is not any less for the sari bari ladies...because i believe in them and for them...maybe i am struggling to hope for myself. anyway sari bari is going though some yucky stuff but the staff are being amazing and the ladies who are working still are beautiful and growing and the light of my time back so far...

mmmm....got to have coffee with my friend charlotte...i love charlotte. she is a good friend and it is okay to be serious and normal with her. i do not have to be over excited or funny or passively accepting to be appreciated. i feel like i can just me...serious, direct, thoughtful, not so perfect or kind all the time, but mostly nice, deep sarah. it is good to feel known by her.

i think i am angry about something but i can not really say what for sure...maybe all this drama i feel in my heart is just culture shock and i just need to give it a week. i am tired of myself basically and want some change but i am not sure what that change is supposed to be....i am battling in prayer, longing for jesus but running away at the same time, struggling to have self control, but wanting to have it, wanting to be kind and generous and servanty but feeling selfish and kind of numb. i guess i am not this raw on my blog usually but i needed to start somewhere. maybe you are thinking...your private journal might have been good...

so anyway, say a prayer for me and my little sob story of the day. i am sure i will get over it. i hope verbal expulsion has helped. i know there are more stories but i am not interested reliving them right now.

on a happy note..we are backing in the running swing of things and getting ready to start training for our marathon.

can i recommend "a thousand splendid suns"...amazing book. read it.

family pics

 

 

 

 

please pray

so i just want to ask for a little prayer for our friends in india. kristin is there on her own with the bengali staff and some tough stuff is happening. i really do not want to get into specifics except to say they really need our prayers. there is always some power struggles at SB and one of those played out yesterday and had some sad results. this is a battle for the women's freedom, their minds , their hearts and their future. hold them close today!