Thursday, March 06, 2008
Today and yesterday
Today was a holiday. And yesterday i was at Sari Bari all day. No opportunities to hold my hand open to those one the streets. However, I did have a few unique opportunities to use my skills(they are strange and varied to be sure). I mediated a conflict at Sari Bari between two ladies. They gossip sometimes and hurt each other...so many women in one place is always a bit sparky! I must say i am loving upendra...he is so amazing! i love dreaming with him about Sari Bari. i loved talking with upendra yesterday about opening a bank account...he was so excited! I rested today because it was a holiday and helped a friend figure out how to start a business of her own for the ladies. i sat on the floor and processed life with beth before she left for nepal (hope you are enjoying the treasure of nepal bethie!)I spring cleaned my room halfway, the rest maybe will happen on saturday. i tried to bid on an ipod but i am bad at it because in my world i will get one for 25USD when they are selling for 150USD. it can't hurt to keep trying. I had to fight to pay the right price for an auto and ended up in an auto with the sweetest guy ever..so thankful for those calcutta redemptive moments. I loved coming home from coffee today in an auto...it was a scene full of life and energy. everyone is out because it is warming up...men sitting on their haunches playing cards, drinking tea, avoiding their wives, women out shopping, people selling veggies,chickens and towels, men holding their kids, business men in dirty autos looking funny because they look so professional and out of place scrunched into an auto with 5 other guys. it was the kolkata i love....full of life, full of people, the kind of day where i can almost forget that i don't quite fit, still i think i belong.
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
more on the experiment...
March 3: walking by the river, a woman in the slums by the tracks waves us over. biscuits for all the kids she asks....so biscuits it is, 12 packs (1 dollar). And 5 rups to the man who could not walk. hard to take in all the need everywhere. still seems like the neediest might be those who do not have the power to ask...
Monday, March 03, 2008
Heart Experiment
Blessed are the poor...for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
I am doing a little heart experiment. prompted by last weeks experience with the little boy. I am going to give to everyone who asks of me. I am going to give them money, tea, time, and food. And i will not say no. I am going to do this for a month and see if my hard heart cracks up a bit. I am going to do a daily update whenever i encounter someone to i should extend my hand.
1 March: Today is the first day. I avoid all places with beggars.
2 March: Park street. i never give on park street. begging is a profession. but today i gave not much just a little. i almost did not give. this has become my first response. i gave to the kids and the old ladies who always ask. i was afraid of giving because they always ask for more. they did today but it did not matter.
3 March: taking a taxi, the woman and the baby, she did not look into my eyes. not once, only extended her hand. i felt her shame, her brokeness. her lost humanity, my privledge punches me in the gut.
4 march: a new day. god gave me matthew 5 for today. new eyes to live the day...
3 "You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.
4 "You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
5 "You're blessed when you're content with just who you are— no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.
6 "You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.
7 "You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for.
8 "You're blessed when you get your inside world— your mind and heart— put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.
9 "You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.
10 "You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom.
11 "Not only that— count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable.
12 You can be glad when that happens— give a cheer, even!— for though they don't like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble.
13 "Let me tell you why you are here. You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You've lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage.
14 "Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill.
15 If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand.
16 Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand— shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.
keep looking for jesus today. i am...
I am doing a little heart experiment. prompted by last weeks experience with the little boy. I am going to give to everyone who asks of me. I am going to give them money, tea, time, and food. And i will not say no. I am going to do this for a month and see if my hard heart cracks up a bit. I am going to do a daily update whenever i encounter someone to i should extend my hand.
1 March: Today is the first day. I avoid all places with beggars.
2 March: Park street. i never give on park street. begging is a profession. but today i gave not much just a little. i almost did not give. this has become my first response. i gave to the kids and the old ladies who always ask. i was afraid of giving because they always ask for more. they did today but it did not matter.
3 March: taking a taxi, the woman and the baby, she did not look into my eyes. not once, only extended her hand. i felt her shame, her brokeness. her lost humanity, my privledge punches me in the gut.
4 march: a new day. god gave me matthew 5 for today. new eyes to live the day...
3 "You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.
4 "You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
5 "You're blessed when you're content with just who you are— no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.
6 "You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.
7 "You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for.
8 "You're blessed when you get your inside world— your mind and heart— put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.
9 "You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.
10 "You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom.
11 "Not only that— count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable.
12 You can be glad when that happens— give a cheer, even!— for though they don't like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble.
13 "Let me tell you why you are here. You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You've lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage.
14 "Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill.
15 If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand.
16 Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand— shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.
keep looking for jesus today. i am...
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
February Pics
Here are few highlight photos from our Beach trip plus some. Wish i could show you all the best ones of all of the beautiful ladies faces...but this will give you an idea. plus you got keen in her bo derek out of the water walk and bethie smilling while she drowns...and of course tea and then breakfast the Charlotte and Julian.
The Rooftops
Coming down off the rooftops is hard. We visit one brothel in the gach every week and we have the most amazing conversations sitting on roof, looking at the sky as the sun sets every Tuesday. I forget that it is a brothel and that the women who live on the floors below are selling themselves and that the streets below are being filled with darkness as the sun sets. Coming down from the rooftop, I remember that I am in brothel, in red light district whose dark slippery stairs contributed to the death of one of our friends. Coming down from the rooftop is hard.
This week we celebrated the amazing 2 year anniversary of Sari Bari. We took the ladies out to eat at a nice restaurant, all of us dressed in Sari’s to mark the occasion. We went from the restaurant to the movies to escape into the Bollywood reality. It was great. After two years, it was easy to see the marked changes in the woman who have come to be apart of our community over time. They are healthy, many recovered from multiple serious health issues. Two women were hospitalized when they first came to work with us but now stand as a testimony of healing and life literally being recovered and made new. All the women, including the trainees, a reflect a glow that they did not have when they first walked through our doors. They love each other. Some of them love Jesus and it really shows. They have begun to know that they are loved. If you ask them what kind of business we have, they will tell you “freedom” is our business. If you ask them about their life they will tell you that is has so much value and they are starting to believe it. The woman we shared our celebration meal with and the women we stood with at the entrance to movies are not prostitutes, they are not rejected, they are not without value. No one could recognize them as anything but beautiful Indian women on a day out. It was beautiful…a picture of profound redemption. It was the rooftop so to speak.
But Kolkata sneaks in a reminds me, even on a day like our 2nd anniversary celebration that we do not get to stay on the rooftops watching the sunsets forever. I was distracted by a small boy while waiting for entrance to the movies. He was covered in scabies and in a really bad state. He was begging, asking for money with a sad face that marks a beggar on the Kolkata streets. I felt my heart harden…I wanted to say don’t you see who I am with, I am serving these ladies, loving these ladies, giving my life to Jesus for these ladies. But there he was demanding my attention, my money, my life. And I just at that moment was not willing to let anyone take my life from me, nor was I willing to give it freely, I wanted my moment of joy to be free from suffering and relish in the moments of redemption and hope. I asked the little boy where his mother was and thought I might give her a piece of my mind about letting her small son get in such a bad physical condition. He said he did not have parents. My hands had to open a little…to see the little boy. I had to let him into the inner circle of the redeemed when in my heart I wanted to keep him out. We were able to get the little boy some food and find out that he also had and “owner” (like many of the women we know who still work in the trade) who controlled his begging and his earnings. I am still thinking about that little boy. Thinking about my hard heart and my desire to hold on to my earnings, even my kingdom earnings, when they are not mine to begin with and never will be. What has happened at Sari Bari and in the relational ministry in the red light areas in the last two years is Gods gift to the women of those places. His gifts are not only for them but for the little boys who beg and who need a savior as desperately as the women, as desperately as I do. I realize again and again that I can not open my hand and my heart to one and close my hand and my heart to others. The gift is an open gift for all to receive.
I have been given the gift of compassion. It is hard gift because as Nouwen says it often open to receive another kind of gift which is the gift of self confrontation To suffer with, we must suffer. The little boy confronted me with my pride and selfishness. The women confront me with my impatience, fear of rejection and my own struggle with value. I have to let them in to let God change me, I have to open my hands and let the rooftop moments mingle with the moments in the dark alley.
“God’s compassionate heart does not have limits. God’s heart is greater, than the human heart. It is the divine heart that God wants to give us so that we can love all people without burning out or becoming numb.”
My prayer is always that my heart would be just little like Jesus for those that He loves in Kolkata. I am looking for 100 people to come alongside me as prayer partners this year and in the coming years. The work continues to grow and good, good fruit is coming but I continue to see the need for more of God’s grace and His love and His hand in all the work that we do and in my own life. If you would be interested in praying for me on a regular basis please let me know.
Also if you would be interested in supporting me personally or in supporting the work at Sari Bari please send me an email and I can tell you how to do that as well.
This week we celebrated the amazing 2 year anniversary of Sari Bari. We took the ladies out to eat at a nice restaurant, all of us dressed in Sari’s to mark the occasion. We went from the restaurant to the movies to escape into the Bollywood reality. It was great. After two years, it was easy to see the marked changes in the woman who have come to be apart of our community over time. They are healthy, many recovered from multiple serious health issues. Two women were hospitalized when they first came to work with us but now stand as a testimony of healing and life literally being recovered and made new. All the women, including the trainees, a reflect a glow that they did not have when they first walked through our doors. They love each other. Some of them love Jesus and it really shows. They have begun to know that they are loved. If you ask them what kind of business we have, they will tell you “freedom” is our business. If you ask them about their life they will tell you that is has so much value and they are starting to believe it. The woman we shared our celebration meal with and the women we stood with at the entrance to movies are not prostitutes, they are not rejected, they are not without value. No one could recognize them as anything but beautiful Indian women on a day out. It was beautiful…a picture of profound redemption. It was the rooftop so to speak.
But Kolkata sneaks in a reminds me, even on a day like our 2nd anniversary celebration that we do not get to stay on the rooftops watching the sunsets forever. I was distracted by a small boy while waiting for entrance to the movies. He was covered in scabies and in a really bad state. He was begging, asking for money with a sad face that marks a beggar on the Kolkata streets. I felt my heart harden…I wanted to say don’t you see who I am with, I am serving these ladies, loving these ladies, giving my life to Jesus for these ladies. But there he was demanding my attention, my money, my life. And I just at that moment was not willing to let anyone take my life from me, nor was I willing to give it freely, I wanted my moment of joy to be free from suffering and relish in the moments of redemption and hope. I asked the little boy where his mother was and thought I might give her a piece of my mind about letting her small son get in such a bad physical condition. He said he did not have parents. My hands had to open a little…to see the little boy. I had to let him into the inner circle of the redeemed when in my heart I wanted to keep him out. We were able to get the little boy some food and find out that he also had and “owner” (like many of the women we know who still work in the trade) who controlled his begging and his earnings. I am still thinking about that little boy. Thinking about my hard heart and my desire to hold on to my earnings, even my kingdom earnings, when they are not mine to begin with and never will be. What has happened at Sari Bari and in the relational ministry in the red light areas in the last two years is Gods gift to the women of those places. His gifts are not only for them but for the little boys who beg and who need a savior as desperately as the women, as desperately as I do. I realize again and again that I can not open my hand and my heart to one and close my hand and my heart to others. The gift is an open gift for all to receive.
I have been given the gift of compassion. It is hard gift because as Nouwen says it often open to receive another kind of gift which is the gift of self confrontation To suffer with, we must suffer. The little boy confronted me with my pride and selfishness. The women confront me with my impatience, fear of rejection and my own struggle with value. I have to let them in to let God change me, I have to open my hands and let the rooftop moments mingle with the moments in the dark alley.
“God’s compassionate heart does not have limits. God’s heart is greater, than the human heart. It is the divine heart that God wants to give us so that we can love all people without burning out or becoming numb.”
My prayer is always that my heart would be just little like Jesus for those that He loves in Kolkata. I am looking for 100 people to come alongside me as prayer partners this year and in the coming years. The work continues to grow and good, good fruit is coming but I continue to see the need for more of God’s grace and His love and His hand in all the work that we do and in my own life. If you would be interested in praying for me on a regular basis please let me know.
Also if you would be interested in supporting me personally or in supporting the work at Sari Bari please send me an email and I can tell you how to do that as well.
Monday, February 11, 2008
reflecting on my very bruised and also dirty leg!!
this bruise actually got much worse before it got better...it has all but disappeared now a week after my encounter with a motorcycle on the kolkata streets! There was also one on my bum but i am not sharing that!
Friday, February 08, 2008
i wish...
for starry skies, and dreamy nights, and good, good friends, and lazy days and easy conversation. i long for intimacy deep and true, free and bound in love. i dream of not being selfish or of being selfish because someone else has told me i can for just today. i wish for unfrizzy hair and clean feet and empty streets and coffee, coffee, coffee all the time...cold or hot. i wish for gentleness and kindness and faithfulness for myself and my friends. i dream of strong embraces and closed back doors and places where no one leaves you. i wish for newness everyday. i wish to make right the things that were not right before and then i wish i could let them go. i wish for dancing bears, and calling monkeys and finished financials. i wish for more....
Monday, February 04, 2008
The wide open spaces
the wide open spaces of God's grace...so freeing and so scary really. I am not good at grace. giving it or receiving it really, but the last months has been full of lesson after lesson of grace. i can not problem solve my way through everything, i can not make it alright, or perfect. i can only be myself and wait in the wide open spaces. I can ponder the aquarium in my belly...the one i have been so afraid of sharing because i thought it might full of sharks,darkness and sludge but am finding the more i reveal the more beautiful and quiet the aquarium becomes....this may not make sense to you. its all about transparency...most importantly being transparent with myself and not so afraid of who i am or who i might reveal. if i only believe in the sharks and the sludge maybe thats what i will be...but if i believe in the beauty that comes from living in grace maybe thats what i will be.
i have been given a really sweet gift the last 6 weeks. i have been dating an indian/ swedish guy named michael. he leaves to go back to sweden today actually. and i have been having fun...so much fun. if feel like he is God's gift to me to reflect back to me things about myself i do not believe. i am not foolish to believe that in six weeks a guy can really know me but michael really reflects thing back to me about myself that i want to believe but struggle too...such as being able beautiful to someone, or being one who is gentle and kind, or being fun to be around. i feel like some of the lies i have been believing about myself are being crushed under the feet of kindness and friendly coffee dates. it has been a gift to escape my very full work weeks in the middle of day for a coffee or take the time that I worked extra last week and use it another day for something that has been super life giving. i am filling up on goodness and it is affecting every part me. its not all about michael at all...he is just part of it. he is just a key that helped open another locked door in my heart. for you curious people, this is nothing serious and will basically end with friendship since i am not really interested in long distance but still i am celebrating the gift it has been. and i am ready and open for another gift of this type soon!!
there is much i want to leave behind from the last six months...to throw off the lies i have believed, the hurts i have ingested, the darkness that left me empty. i often talk about the ladies becoming new...but i think i am becoming something new and i will be able to shed the dark shroud of fear and pain for the wedding gown of beauty and full live, so to speak. there are many losses to be aborbed this month...my dear friend charlotte and julian leave in just two weeks, michael leaves today, our friend abishek leaves at the end of the month. i have already had many tears over these losses, especially over charlotte and julian but i think in the wide open space of grace i can trust that God will meet in the losses, and restore in some unseen way these friends and still allow me to wear the wedding gown in midst of it.
God is my protector and defender too!! i was hit by a motorcycle on sunday (mom and dad don't freak out, i am very much okay)...by a policeman. i got knocked on my booty and i have the serious bruises to prove it but i walked away. the ladies have scolded me for not causing a riot and getting the policeman beat up for hitting me...but i told them i forgive him and that i am just thankful to God that it was not a bus!! so thankful to be alive, healthy, growing in grace in kolkata!! (will post a bruise picture at a later date)
may you all grow in grace and the knowledge of jesus!!
i have been given a really sweet gift the last 6 weeks. i have been dating an indian/ swedish guy named michael. he leaves to go back to sweden today actually. and i have been having fun...so much fun. if feel like he is God's gift to me to reflect back to me things about myself i do not believe. i am not foolish to believe that in six weeks a guy can really know me but michael really reflects thing back to me about myself that i want to believe but struggle too...such as being able beautiful to someone, or being one who is gentle and kind, or being fun to be around. i feel like some of the lies i have been believing about myself are being crushed under the feet of kindness and friendly coffee dates. it has been a gift to escape my very full work weeks in the middle of day for a coffee or take the time that I worked extra last week and use it another day for something that has been super life giving. i am filling up on goodness and it is affecting every part me. its not all about michael at all...he is just part of it. he is just a key that helped open another locked door in my heart. for you curious people, this is nothing serious and will basically end with friendship since i am not really interested in long distance but still i am celebrating the gift it has been. and i am ready and open for another gift of this type soon!!
there is much i want to leave behind from the last six months...to throw off the lies i have believed, the hurts i have ingested, the darkness that left me empty. i often talk about the ladies becoming new...but i think i am becoming something new and i will be able to shed the dark shroud of fear and pain for the wedding gown of beauty and full live, so to speak. there are many losses to be aborbed this month...my dear friend charlotte and julian leave in just two weeks, michael leaves today, our friend abishek leaves at the end of the month. i have already had many tears over these losses, especially over charlotte and julian but i think in the wide open space of grace i can trust that God will meet in the losses, and restore in some unseen way these friends and still allow me to wear the wedding gown in midst of it.
God is my protector and defender too!! i was hit by a motorcycle on sunday (mom and dad don't freak out, i am very much okay)...by a policeman. i got knocked on my booty and i have the serious bruises to prove it but i walked away. the ladies have scolded me for not causing a riot and getting the policeman beat up for hitting me...but i told them i forgive him and that i am just thankful to God that it was not a bus!! so thankful to be alive, healthy, growing in grace in kolkata!! (will post a bruise picture at a later date)
may you all grow in grace and the knowledge of jesus!!
Thursday, January 17, 2008
SB is finally legal
Amazing day! Really amazing...the long awaited day....SB is now legal in India. We got our trade liscense...the next step and easier step is business registration with the goverment and in a few years maybe we will be a company LLC! We were all quite overwhelmed today at our staff development meeting. Just another prayer answered and really an answer to prayers of women who have yet to leave the trade...more lives will be made new! What a beautiful gift on a thursday...certainly a gift for the 27 women who currently walk in freedom because of a few old saris and a little grace from the master.
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Some light reading if you are interested....
Restoring Life in the Red Light Districts of Kolkata, India
By Sarah Lance
http://www.lausanneworldpulse.com/urban.php/884
The New Conspirators: The Broken Among the Broken
By Chris Heuertz
http://mustardseedjourney.wordpress.com/2008/01/02/the-new-conspirators-the-broken-among-the-broken/
By Sarah Lance
http://www.lausanneworldpulse.com/urban.php/884
The New Conspirators: The Broken Among the Broken
By Chris Heuertz
http://mustardseedjourney.wordpress.com/2008/01/02/the-new-conspirators-the-broken-among-the-broken/
Things that I will love this year...
The beautiful amazing Daphne marrying her true heart friend Caleb in may.
My friend Kate marrying herself a Bengali!
Maybe 15 new women coming out of the sex trade through Sari Bari!
Guitar lessons! Yes i might become the next Hendrix...
Going on dates...yes it is possible.
Kerry and Annie coming home to Kolkata in February.
Getting my own little place.
Eating indian food every single day.
Turning 35 and hoping that older means smarter, kinder, and more generous. more beautiful inside and out would not bother me either.
my gray hairs
real friendships
creating beautiful things for my friends and for sari bari
Going to Disney World for a real family vacation.
visiting the Forcatto's and all the fleshies in Argentina
everything new and made new under the hand of the master...
My friend Kate marrying herself a Bengali!
Maybe 15 new women coming out of the sex trade through Sari Bari!
Guitar lessons! Yes i might become the next Hendrix...
Going on dates...yes it is possible.
Kerry and Annie coming home to Kolkata in February.
Getting my own little place.
Eating indian food every single day.
Turning 35 and hoping that older means smarter, kinder, and more generous. more beautiful inside and out would not bother me either.
my gray hairs
real friendships
creating beautiful things for my friends and for sari bari
Going to Disney World for a real family vacation.
visiting the Forcatto's and all the fleshies in Argentina
everything new and made new under the hand of the master...
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Down by the river
Some of these are from the Burning Ghats(where they cremate the dead) so view with discernment.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
whole life
so i am back in crazy k-town. the a cacophony of horns wake me up in the morning. I squeeze myself into the metro to get to my favorite place in the world and get the beautiful priveledge of walking with the women of SB in their lives of freedom. I get to see the kingdom coming everyday. there is fullness in my life because of my communities prayers and hopes and dreams.
after my time of rest, i have been pondering what it means to have full life. i certainly have a life that is full. but sometimes, it is so full of work and things i feel i have to do that i lose the joy. i want it all. the treasure of freedom for the women and the satisfaction of work, the peace of rest and the joy of play. i want to create something new everyday....spend myself fully and not battle burnout.
i am a woman who wants to make things happen and when they do not or there is disappointment i take it hard. i realized that i need to be in place where i can relax and just "be" in the all the situations i find myself. i can not control and fix myself or fix everyone around me. i am terribly hard on myself most of the time...so this needs to be my year of grace. the year i learn to live in grace, walk in grace and be graceful. like i said before i need to let the savior save and everyone around me instead striving so hard to create a perfect situation that my never exist. because i see the kingdom coming inspite of me, inspite of all the failures, all the hardness of real relationship, all the trials of living in another a culture. the kingdom comes in spite of me...thank sweet jesus for that.
i am wishing for newness for my heart this year. a fresh fullness that comes from being one who is saved and knowing that is enough.
i also want to lose 35 pounds this year...35 because i am turning 35 and it seems like a good time to try for it. so i am filling my plate with fruit and vegtables and holding off on the all the lovely goodies i got for christmas. but still enjoying little treasures like chocolate with my coffee this morning. but of course even in this i hope to walk in grace.
so a toast to new life, a whole life, and walking in grace.
cheers!
after my time of rest, i have been pondering what it means to have full life. i certainly have a life that is full. but sometimes, it is so full of work and things i feel i have to do that i lose the joy. i want it all. the treasure of freedom for the women and the satisfaction of work, the peace of rest and the joy of play. i want to create something new everyday....spend myself fully and not battle burnout.
i am a woman who wants to make things happen and when they do not or there is disappointment i take it hard. i realized that i need to be in place where i can relax and just "be" in the all the situations i find myself. i can not control and fix myself or fix everyone around me. i am terribly hard on myself most of the time...so this needs to be my year of grace. the year i learn to live in grace, walk in grace and be graceful. like i said before i need to let the savior save and everyone around me instead striving so hard to create a perfect situation that my never exist. because i see the kingdom coming inspite of me, inspite of all the failures, all the hardness of real relationship, all the trials of living in another a culture. the kingdom comes in spite of me...thank sweet jesus for that.
i am wishing for newness for my heart this year. a fresh fullness that comes from being one who is saved and knowing that is enough.
i also want to lose 35 pounds this year...35 because i am turning 35 and it seems like a good time to try for it. so i am filling my plate with fruit and vegtables and holding off on the all the lovely goodies i got for christmas. but still enjoying little treasures like chocolate with my coffee this morning. but of course even in this i hope to walk in grace.
so a toast to new life, a whole life, and walking in grace.
cheers!
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
wondering
i am wondering how the world can contain so much beauty and so much pain. i am conflicted by the amazing 24 hours i had on the high mountains overlooking the himalayas and the desperation of being sick again with giardia and the bus ride back to kathmandu...see povertys cost to humanity. empty blank eyes asking me for help...begging but not looking. words swirling around the bus like development and underdevelopment, economics and the floating dollar, the gold standard and poverty causes. everyone wants someone to be responsible but no one wants responsiblity...this includes me right now. i wanted to escape in pokara...pretend that only me and God existed for a few days. but escape was not possible...God can not be seperated from the need in the world. he does not take a timeout from the suffering...but i desperately wanted not to be offered maryjane, or massages by teenage boys or hear the sneering calls of the beggars looking to corner a rich westerner. i am weary of the talk, of the hurt and of myself. i had the mountain top for 24 amazing hours in a five days period...only sunrises and sunsets on the himalayas, sunshine and stunning silence, brillant stars and clean air. but it only exists as a apart of the rest of the days full of restlessness, wondering, doubt, fear, striving, difficult prayer and pain. i want to seperate and isolate but that does not seem to be the call. i know this...i think i am just tired. a suffering world with a good God is a hard place to live. mother teresa prayed with her windows open to the streets of kolkata...i am praying for the grace to do the same.
i am thankful to be amoung the sweet ktm community and be embraced by their hugs and kisses and taco dinners! i am thankful to see a week of love changing the lives of little children and thankful for another day to try and meet the emmanuel who is with us in it all.
i am thankful to be amoung the sweet ktm community and be embraced by their hugs and kisses and taco dinners! i am thankful to see a week of love changing the lives of little children and thankful for another day to try and meet the emmanuel who is with us in it all.
Friday, December 14, 2007
walking
i woke up not feeling so good yesterday...nepal food seems to do this to me! so i held off on hiking the mountain which i think was a good thing. later in the afternoon i went for a 2.5 hour walk and now i am seriously paining in my knees and hip flexors...so sad. there is always something to be said for slow. and slow is what i am supposed to be doing...slow and silent. yesterday was restless...thus the very long walk.
i am headed up to stay at sarangkot for my remaining two days...i can get a room for 10 bucks a day instead of the 5 i am paying now and the view is suposed to be spectacular. i am a little weary of the touristy thing here in pokara....not enough nature and to many people for me!
has anyone ever seen the cross between a turkey and a duck? well i have here in pokara--the body of a duck and the ugly face of a turkey with the gobbling noise and the bobbing head. so weird...seen it twice but both times without my camera...you will just have to imagine it!!
so maybe no internet up on the mountain...we will see i guess. more when i get back to KTM.
i am headed up to stay at sarangkot for my remaining two days...i can get a room for 10 bucks a day instead of the 5 i am paying now and the view is suposed to be spectacular. i am a little weary of the touristy thing here in pokara....not enough nature and to many people for me!
has anyone ever seen the cross between a turkey and a duck? well i have here in pokara--the body of a duck and the ugly face of a turkey with the gobbling noise and the bobbing head. so weird...seen it twice but both times without my camera...you will just have to imagine it!!
so maybe no internet up on the mountain...we will see i guess. more when i get back to KTM.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
breathing
i am soaking up the beauty in touristy pokara. i have not been here for more than 5 years and it is really touristy now. but i can see the lake and the annapurnas from my windows and i walked alot today absording the sun and sky and mountain ranges. i am going to hike to sarangkot tomorrow...three hour hike. my knees have been much better so i am hoping they stay that way. right now i am sore in a normal way from all the walking.
I am doing an advent based retreat at D-baynes suggestion. and loving the sweet simplicity of welcoming the savior. because that is really what i have been needing to do..welcome my savior and let myself be saved. today i reflected on joseph and how overwhelmed he must have felt, seemingly the father of a an illegitmate child, caring for his family with inadequate resources, fathering at least on earth the son of God. I found myself in a very real way identifying with joseph...the overwhelmed, overresponsible part but then seeing in a real way, that joseph must have been okay because i a very real way he had to depend on the Father and let him in to be his savior even as he welcomed the savior into the world. these are incomplete thoughts...any. thanks to all you who are praying...
off to find more beauty and breath in the heart of the savior.
I am doing an advent based retreat at D-baynes suggestion. and loving the sweet simplicity of welcoming the savior. because that is really what i have been needing to do..welcome my savior and let myself be saved. today i reflected on joseph and how overwhelmed he must have felt, seemingly the father of a an illegitmate child, caring for his family with inadequate resources, fathering at least on earth the son of God. I found myself in a very real way identifying with joseph...the overwhelmed, overresponsible part but then seeing in a real way, that joseph must have been okay because i a very real way he had to depend on the Father and let him in to be his savior even as he welcomed the savior into the world. these are incomplete thoughts...any. thanks to all you who are praying...
off to find more beauty and breath in the heart of the savior.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Nepal
christmas programs, overdone and well done, root canals that aren't that bad, burritos with the works, bundled in heavy blankets fighting the cold, bacon and black coffee, seeing old friends, watching hope spring in little lives..oh such a nice couple of days i have had.
I am in nepal now. I got here saturday and have been enjoying life with the community here. so great to see guatum and rekha and see how much their lives have changed and the hope that continues to spring from what God is going in their lives and the lives around them.
i have needed a break and i am hoping this time of rest will help me refocus and get back on my feet on an emotional and spiritual level. i can feel myself just starting to let down. I leave for pokara tomorrow for a 5 days personal retreat...all alone with the silence, my bible and hopefully some long walks in nature. i am leaving early than expected because my root canal--yes they have a good dentist in nepal will require three visits. i had my first visit and it went really well and i have my next one on tuesday so i planned the retreat part in between. When i get back i will have more time with the nepal staff before heading back to kolkata on the 23rd.
i am little afraid of being alone for 5 days but if i could discern something that might be good but hard for me this would be what i need right now. i am taking some yarn,my crochet hook and a bible and will wait to see what god says in the waiting silence. my hopes are up...
i am off to exlpore thamel today... revist old memories and drink some coffee.
I am in nepal now. I got here saturday and have been enjoying life with the community here. so great to see guatum and rekha and see how much their lives have changed and the hope that continues to spring from what God is going in their lives and the lives around them.
i have needed a break and i am hoping this time of rest will help me refocus and get back on my feet on an emotional and spiritual level. i can feel myself just starting to let down. I leave for pokara tomorrow for a 5 days personal retreat...all alone with the silence, my bible and hopefully some long walks in nature. i am leaving early than expected because my root canal--yes they have a good dentist in nepal will require three visits. i had my first visit and it went really well and i have my next one on tuesday so i planned the retreat part in between. When i get back i will have more time with the nepal staff before heading back to kolkata on the 23rd.
i am little afraid of being alone for 5 days but if i could discern something that might be good but hard for me this would be what i need right now. i am taking some yarn,my crochet hook and a bible and will wait to see what god says in the waiting silence. my hopes are up...
i am off to exlpore thamel today... revist old memories and drink some coffee.
Monday, December 03, 2007
can you read my blogger?
we can not get blogger for some reason. i can post...at least i think i can...as you can see if you are reading this now. so weird. i am wondering if it is blocked in India for some reason. who knows?
so i am happily finishing off my first good day in awhile. we had 4 new ladies start training at Sari Bari today and maybe a few more starting on Wednesday. it was good a day...so beautiful to see more women coming into freedom. nice to have a very full house at SB. beautiful to see SB ladies bringing other ladies into freedom. i love being apart of kolkata's freedom story. i just love it!
i am a little homesick...being sick for awhile always seems to do that! and so does darn cute pictures of my neice addy! wow what a cutie..she makes amazing faces as seen below! Grace makes some pretty good ones too!!
Well thats all for now. thankful for my life with the SB ladies and thankful to have family all over the world, including the super cool beth and kristin, when i am homesick!
so i am happily finishing off my first good day in awhile. we had 4 new ladies start training at Sari Bari today and maybe a few more starting on Wednesday. it was good a day...so beautiful to see more women coming into freedom. nice to have a very full house at SB. beautiful to see SB ladies bringing other ladies into freedom. i love being apart of kolkata's freedom story. i just love it!
i am a little homesick...being sick for awhile always seems to do that! and so does darn cute pictures of my neice addy! wow what a cutie..she makes amazing faces as seen below! Grace makes some pretty good ones too!!
Well thats all for now. thankful for my life with the SB ladies and thankful to have family all over the world, including the super cool beth and kristin, when i am homesick!
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