oh my aching bones...

today i made my first venture out of the house for the first time in 5 days to go and meet Kim at the airport. My fevers have slowed and i am really feeling the joint pain. pretty sure today i over did it by going out but that will not prevent me from going to Sari Bari at least half day tomorrow even if i am justing sitting with the ladies talking!! this fever is so weird, makes you feel a little crazy because you do something easy that you are used to doing like walking up the stairs and then your knees hurt for the rest of the day or you spend to much time trying to catch up on the computer and your wrists hurt.

for all my hardwork of going to pick up our christmas presents from kim at the airport i got lots of hugs and TLC from the visiting Sari Bari three who are at our house on tuesdays. They make me feel loved and they were also a great mom replacement on a sick day. being sick has had some benefits...i have had lots of time to think and i have thought up a couple of really cool ideas for sari bari--can't wait to get back to work and make some samples...but for the cc people reading, i am still going to be taking it slow this week at least!

sad to be sick

Well, i am sick with what appears to Chikungunya fever, that means fevers, flu like symptoms, nausea, and achy, sometimes painful joints. All three of us have it...kristin is on her way to recovery but beth and i are still battling the fevers. The doctor told beth that it might take 2 or 3 months to recover (thats best case) from the joint pain. so i think i need some fish oil pills...heard those where good for the joints. sadly, this means beth and i need to give up our half marathon in january and i might need to give up my break in the nepal which was going to include a trek. sad! i have been logging the hours watching all available TV on video and speed reading a 1000 page book--200 pages left and i started on saturday.

i want to be patient but i also want to go to work. I am not sure if God is saying rest or if something else is at work. glad to have an amazing bengali staff to pick up the slack. i am thankful for that and thanksgiving leftovers because i have been surving on mashed potatoes for three days (which i love).

Happy Thanksgiving

where are you?

Yes, i know i have not been around much later. I have found myself with much and little to say as we have been working our little behinds off to get Sari Blankets to the states and the UK.

I have a million thoughts and reflections on the beauty of teamwork and community as we came together to make the impossible happen. The joy of being crowded in our small little (sari) Bari patching and photographing the handwork of freedom for the the women. The joy of handing off the work of many months to be sent and shared with the world for a tangible affirmation of new life as people purchase blankets for their friends and family for christmas.

all this work for christmas orders has me thinking about christmas before thanksgiving. thinking about what a gift we have in jesus as our God who saves, our emmanuel..God with us.

I am listening to Mindy Smith's Christmas album feeling more sentimental by the moment and looking forward to watching White Christmas tomorrow (because yes i am downloading it on my itunes!). The thought of my neice singing "snow, snow, snow" is making me cry and long for my other home in the embrace of my family. But I think i am okay with that longing because almost everyday it is filled with the faces and arms of my other family...the ladies of sari bari, who are my tangible hope!

thankful to be in the arms of jesus because he saves, thankful for aunt mary and her passion for all things sari bari and for being my cheerleader, thankful for skype through which i can talk with everyone i love in america, thankful for ghetto dancing madness at christian events in india, thankful for more freedom and more hope for my beautiful friends at sari bari, thankful to celebrate thanksgiving in india with lots of things to be grateful for, thankful for praying before bed with kristin and beth, thankful to be downloading White Christmas, and i am thankful to be who i am, where i am...at least i am trying.

Sweet Community

These are few shots of our time with Silas, our Regional Coordinator, who came down from nepal to last week to encourage our community and help work through some good stuff. Needless to say, i was encouraged! We celebrate communion together and life together! More soon....

Sari Bari gets noticed!

does any one think grays anatomy might be cheap therapy?

the street before it got really crowed!!

really cute neighbor kids!

more cute neighbor kids...

so i just spent the last half hour crying(maybe weeping is better)through grays anatomy...have you seen the one in season three that makes you weep? you must know what i am talking about if you have seen it. i think crying is so healing. i wish a few tears could come without watching grays. i spent the last two days in luxury...someone nicely anonymously sponsored a a couple days at a sweet hotel for me. i spent have this time trying to achieve the emotional breakthrough that one episode of grays can do...this is superficial i know. glad to cry though... glad to remember those i love in all this drama that i feel is my life here sometimes.

i spent the last couple of hours before grays people watching downstairs. seeing all the beautiful people of india out and about on the street in front of my building celebrating their puja. they are so beautiful. my neighbors are so beautiful...kind and generous with their time and their tea. shared ice cream and conversation can make the world a better place i am pretty sure.

thankful for tears and books that rip my face off. thankful for cheese and wine and being at home. thankful for jesus in the midst of hard times. thankful for treadmills and running even when i do not want to...thankful to see maya tomorrow. thankful for tears and hope in suffering. amen!!

Confessions from the last two days alone in Kolkata

...it took me two days to do the dishes from our Saturday night visitors, yes i did them this morning!

...i read the whole section on suffering from Henri Nouwens "Here and Now"

...i have spent way too much time on the internet doing nothing. yes the gap has cute stuff but i can not wear it in india so why do i bother looking?

...i had our neighbor from downstairs come up for tea and movie today but mostly we just talked about life...it was nice!

...i went to the broadway hotel to hang out with George and his english friends and i had so much fun darn it!

...i barely left the house today, only to buy milk for tea and a bengali news paper for studying. the guy i bought the paper from somehow knew i lost my passport and asked me if i got a new one--how do people find these things out?

...i got my new indian visa, handwritten, i am not sure they will let me back in the country if i ever leave. i had to tell the guy that the correct word was "transferred" not "transpried" for what they were doing with my visa.

...i did my laundry but not very well. sometimes hand washing a two loads is just too much!

...i watched some grays anatomy.

...i had an amazing meal with one our friends from the gach. she was so sweet and generous and made me think that i will never be alone here...she told me i could come over any time day or night while beth and kristin are gone. she does not understand how i could possible want to be alone. i felt loved.

...i am currently being bombarded with loud non sensical music from the loud speakers outside my window...these sounds will last till 2 or 3 am and will go on for the next week at least. yes, puja season is here and bad loud speaker music is the anthem of the rest of my week.

...got an email from kristin and everyone is happy and learning good things in nepal. this makes me happy.

...oh, and i gave myself a pedicure-minus nail polish removal (no remover), i just had to paint over the old stuff but my feet are really clean. And i gave myself a facial...i did two masks...maybe this was too much but my skin needs help!!

A question of support...

Hey blog friends...just wanted to let you know that i posted my november prayer letter on the WMF website if you want to check it out.

Also I feel like I need to let my blogging friends know that I looking for some more great people to join my support team. i am really struggling with financial support. Usually, there is just enough to meet the needs of my salary and health care but for some reason i am in the hole right now (about -$700) and need some help. I have reviewed my yearly expenses and if I could raise an additional $200 a month that should cover all my support needs...that would just be 20 more people at $10 a month. If you are interested in supporting me you can do so by going to the this link on the WMF website (all the info you need to give on one handy page). Find the easiest way for you to give, indicate the gift is for my support account and then be sure of my thanks!!

I know that alot of you who read my blog do not get my prayer letters so i thought this might be a good way to let you know my needs. Thanks for taking the time to consider these things...

your thoughts, love, comments and prayers are always appreciated!

Jeremiah 17

i reached for deep water
but i can no longer try
trying has bent me over
wasted my limbs and pulled at my roots
i yearn i reach i strain
and i am still dry
still parched and battered by the wind
frail and longing for the deep
the river flows near
i wait for refreshment
i wait
i wait
i reach for deep water
but i can no longer try
trying has bent me over

for the deep water
i thirst
let my roots soak in what my limbs can not reach
thirsty i wait by the river
i must wait
so i wait because i can no longer try

doesnt everybody want to be loved

i am headed to the gach to be with girls i love...i do love them. i have good friend here and really all over the world who i love alot. i love the ladies at sari bari to the moon and back. i live with two women i love and respect alot. i love upendra and his quirky little ways and how much he loves his wife and how much his son loves to be around him. i love gita and her hard coreness for coming to work sick...even when i tell her not too. i even love kolkata and the people in it on my good days and that is what keeps me here on the bad ones...

i personally want to be loved for who i am...i want to be willing to be who i am and have that not be such a scary prospect for myself. I wish i did not care what other people think...i am trying and right at the moment learning that sometimes even when you make a good decision people still might not like it and treat you bad. i think i mostly feel sad because i want to the best for everyone and i want everyone to be happy and feel respected and cared for... i have to learn to feel confident in these strange gifts god has given me, like telling the truth, and foresight and thinking through every last little detail...however they sometimes make me feel lonely and i wish i could live in my INFP world all the time and did not have to be a "D". so basically when i feel this way i just remember who i love and who does love me and try not to worry about the rest. this is hard...but i am learning.

Good end to a hard day

okay, i am done changing my blog...you know is like a quarterly cycle for me. there is not much in my life i can change on a regular basis so the blog must change. i used to change my hair color every 6 months but i do not have the money or energy for that...the gray hair is winning and i think the blog is a safer place for change in the end.

i have sad news...i lost my passport. this is humiliating all by itself. in fact my feelings of humility kept me patience and very contrite at all the government offices i had to go too last thursday to get my passport replaced. sadly, today i learned that not only is my passport lost but there is no way in God's green earth that i will be able to make to our regional staff retreat...there are absolutely no tickets...not even first class until october 29th. i am sad. so this means at least three more weeks in kolkata and about 10 days on my own--trying to figure out something to do with myself since sari bari will be closed and everyone, and i do mean everyone will be gone in nepal or england or australia.

i know there must be a silver lining somewhere in this...i think i better do a what i am thankful for list to help me remember the good things...

i love sari bari, i love the ladies at sari bari, i love cold diet pepsi, i love the chili beth made for dinner tonight that tasted like home, i love taking pictures, i love skype and facebook and blogs in general, i love people who get excited about God heart for transformation, i love the rain that cools down kolkata, i love that someday soon i will get to go to nepal and have a personal retreat, i love that all things work out in the end (somehow), i love that being thankful is a good end to a hard day.

Pics from around Kolkata

Kristins "Beautiful" Birthday

 

 

 

 

Flowers for Hope

So we did the flower thing again on friday night and it was amazing and beautiful and profound. I was totally unprepared....coming off a week of sickness and struggle for the goodness and hope that began as soon i handed the first girl a flower. Their faces lighted up...hands reached out...it was so good to encourage and be apart of their smiles for just one moment. we specifially went into one brothel where my good friend J lives...i have been visiting her every week for the last year or so. she lives in room with 9 other young girls. they never leave but new ones always come...for some reason i have favor with their owner and he does not mind our visits...it was really beautiful to go up in our sari's and give them flowers...they were so suprised and happy. J just kept saying this is good, this is so good. so we gave beautiful flowers (surjo muky--the "face of the sun flower") to beautiful girls....so many young, struggling, hard pressed girls who we hope got a glimpse of their loveliness and their value on friday night...it was a good night.

Sari Bari Site Launch

well my friends, after much work and drama, blood, sweat (alot of sweat on my end as i watched in progress in the kolkata humidity), and tears...the sari bari website launched today! In six months you should be able to purchase your very own sari bari product online! You can still purchase now you just need to contact melinda (her info is on the sari bari blog!

www.saribari.com

quote of the day

If there is an upside to freefalling, it is the chance you give your friends to catch you. (grays anatomy, season 2)

This broken space is mine

if i sleep, i dream
broken by bathroom breaks
and heavy weighted thoughts
stumbling to rest
in my crowded thoughts
like a pack rat...
only i do not wear my clutter on the outside
only inside it is hard to find space
for peace
searching for king and kingdom
in the dirty walkways
lingering beside the gardens for their comfort
finding little but dusty leaves
wondering at a deeply rooted life, so dry it feels so much
like kindling
a burst of flame might destroy
this tender balance of extremes
compelled like the cyclonic rain outside my window
out of control
but ending is ensured by natures cycles
uninterrupted peace, quiet tickle my dreams
my sleep, deadness if only for a few hours
relief from this heaviness
on my knees, like a tree bent in half by the weight from not being pruned back
this broken space is mine

rainy beach trips are the best!

so we went to digha for a break (sat-mon)...digha is a beach town on the bay of bengal. On the precise day and hour of long awaited time of rest in the sun we found ourselves in the middle of a cyclone ( a tropical depression which creates heavy rains, crazy wind and thunderstorms). I have never walked in wind so hard that you think it might knock you over until this weekend, nor have i have been whipped in the face by rain pellets so that it really hurt ( it really really hurt.) everytime we went out we found ourselves soaked to bone wet...but...yes the but is there...we did have good rest. i was desperate to leave the city...even willing to endure a 5.5 hours bus ride to get away from it. so we got there and slept the rainy afternoon away...it was amazing. we had 2 days of rainy wet rest which included some good times with jesus in the quiet and fun times of stupid TV. we came back to ktown while the storm was still raging...and got off the bus in the middle of a huge storm....we drenched ourselves in the torrential rain and made our way safely to the metro only to find when we got off in sovabazar...that we would have to walk home though calf deep water (not so bad really, i walked through worse) while it was still downpouring. fun huh? we topped off our break with a few episodes from the OFFICE season 2. i think a good time was had by all...the rain only made for a better story!

i have alot of serious junk going on in my brain right now...to much to spell out in a blog a least today. all i can say is that i am wishing for home, longing for peace and waiting for jesus in the midst of it.

what's on my mind

so i have been sick for the last two weeks...loathing my sore throat and crammed sinus cavities, dragging myself forward when i know for sure i should be stopping, resting, being. the urgent is killing the important in my life right now. i want to rest, to just BE but it eluding me. little boys need walks to freedom and i need the hugs on the way home. ladies need second chances and by some strange chance i get to decide and i hate breaking their hearts because it breaks my own so terribly. i want everyone to have everything...i want everyone to be happy and healthy and whole. this i realize is not all for me to do or fix or make better...that's why i believe in God, right. God is not my cop out, however, being the inadequate human being that i am i choose the urgent over the important and some days really i have a hard time deciding which is which...wish someone could tell me whether my rest and healthy body was more important than the safety of two little boys but i choose the little boys this week. i have time to get better next week ( and they will be off to boarding school and hopefully a new life).

so i walked "a" and "b", the sons of our friend "P" in the gach to Freeset everyday this week to spend time at their freeset daycare....they needed a safe place for this week and freeset made space for them. i loved going to pick them up and then waking them up and watching them wash their faces and i loved holding their little hands, i loved giving them the breakfast of their choice, loved buying them ice cream on the way home. but i loved most, walking home last night holding "A" in my arms singing "ja ghari jesu ache kato annondo" (the house with jesus has so much joy!) and "Ajke re din, jesus shristi koreche" (this the day)with this little five year old down the lanes of the red light district...it felt so right to proclaim the goodness of God in those lanes holding a little boy who life God seems to be providing for in amazing ways. it was "a" who started it...he started singing what he has learned that day and so we sang together all the way home.

this was a good reminder for me of why i am here...on saturday i was not so sure that i wanted to be here anymore. being sick always makes for more drama but i was so weary of the problems, so weary of myself and my own personal drama that i thought maybe quitting would be a good option. it of course is not, and while i am still struggling and mostly exhausted after two weeks of insane hours while being sick, i am at a place of peace and hope again thanks to my urgent and definitely important little dates with a five and a six year boy.

hopefully, rest will find me tomorrow and i will journey may way into deep thought about these crazily unprocessed weeks.