whole life

so i am back in crazy k-town. the a cacophony of horns wake me up in the morning. I squeeze myself into the metro to get to my favorite place in the world and get the beautiful priveledge of walking with the women of SB in their lives of freedom. I get to see the kingdom coming everyday. there is fullness in my life because of my communities prayers and hopes and dreams.

after my time of rest, i have been pondering what it means to have full life. i certainly have a life that is full. but sometimes, it is so full of work and things i feel i have to do that i lose the joy. i want it all. the treasure of freedom for the women and the satisfaction of work, the peace of rest and the joy of play. i want to create something new everyday....spend myself fully and not battle burnout.

i am a woman who wants to make things happen and when they do not or there is disappointment i take it hard. i realized that i need to be in place where i can relax and just "be" in the all the situations i find myself. i can not control and fix myself or fix everyone around me. i am terribly hard on myself most of the time...so this needs to be my year of grace. the year i learn to live in grace, walk in grace and be graceful. like i said before i need to let the savior save and everyone around me instead striving so hard to create a perfect situation that my never exist. because i see the kingdom coming inspite of me, inspite of all the failures, all the hardness of real relationship, all the trials of living in another a culture. the kingdom comes in spite of me...thank sweet jesus for that.

i am wishing for newness for my heart this year. a fresh fullness that comes from being one who is saved and knowing that is enough.

i also want to lose 35 pounds this year...35 because i am turning 35 and it seems like a good time to try for it. so i am filling my plate with fruit and vegtables and holding off on the all the lovely goodies i got for christmas. but still enjoying little treasures like chocolate with my coffee this morning. but of course even in this i hope to walk in grace.

so a toast to new life, a whole life, and walking in grace.

cheers!

A few photos of Chirstmas and 100 of the mountains

Best of Dec 2007

wondering

i am wondering how the world can contain so much beauty and so much pain. i am conflicted by the amazing 24 hours i had on the high mountains overlooking the himalayas and the desperation of being sick again with giardia and the bus ride back to kathmandu...see povertys cost to humanity. empty blank eyes asking me for help...begging but not looking. words swirling around the bus like development and underdevelopment, economics and the floating dollar, the gold standard and poverty causes. everyone wants someone to be responsible but no one wants responsiblity...this includes me right now. i wanted to escape in pokara...pretend that only me and God existed for a few days. but escape was not possible...God can not be seperated from the need in the world. he does not take a timeout from the suffering...but i desperately wanted not to be offered maryjane, or massages by teenage boys or hear the sneering calls of the beggars looking to corner a rich westerner. i am weary of the talk, of the hurt and of myself. i had the mountain top for 24 amazing hours in a five days period...only sunrises and sunsets on the himalayas, sunshine and stunning silence, brillant stars and clean air. but it only exists as a apart of the rest of the days full of restlessness, wondering, doubt, fear, striving, difficult prayer and pain. i want to seperate and isolate but that does not seem to be the call. i know this...i think i am just tired. a suffering world with a good God is a hard place to live. mother teresa prayed with her windows open to the streets of kolkata...i am praying for the grace to do the same.

i am thankful to be amoung the sweet ktm community and be embraced by their hugs and kisses and taco dinners! i am thankful to see a week of love changing the lives of little children and thankful for another day to try and meet the emmanuel who is with us in it all.

walking

i woke up not feeling so good yesterday...nepal food seems to do this to me! so i held off on hiking the mountain which i think was a good thing. later in the afternoon i went for a 2.5 hour walk and now i am seriously paining in my knees and hip flexors...so sad. there is always something to be said for slow. and slow is what i am supposed to be doing...slow and silent. yesterday was restless...thus the very long walk.

i am headed up to stay at sarangkot for my remaining two days...i can get a room for 10 bucks a day instead of the 5 i am paying now and the view is suposed to be spectacular. i am a little weary of the touristy thing here in pokara....not enough nature and to many people for me!

has anyone ever seen the cross between a turkey and a duck? well i have here in pokara--the body of a duck and the ugly face of a turkey with the gobbling noise and the bobbing head. so weird...seen it twice but both times without my camera...you will just have to imagine it!!

so maybe no internet up on the mountain...we will see i guess. more when i get back to KTM.

breathing

i am soaking up the beauty in touristy pokara. i have not been here for more than 5 years and it is really touristy now. but i can see the lake and the annapurnas from my windows and i walked alot today absording the sun and sky and mountain ranges. i am going to hike to sarangkot tomorrow...three hour hike. my knees have been much better so i am hoping they stay that way. right now i am sore in a normal way from all the walking.

I am doing an advent based retreat at D-baynes suggestion. and loving the sweet simplicity of welcoming the savior. because that is really what i have been needing to do..welcome my savior and let myself be saved. today i reflected on joseph and how overwhelmed he must have felt, seemingly the father of a an illegitmate child, caring for his family with inadequate resources, fathering at least on earth the son of God. I found myself in a very real way identifying with joseph...the overwhelmed, overresponsible part but then seeing in a real way, that joseph must have been okay because i a very real way he had to depend on the Father and let him in to be his savior even as he welcomed the savior into the world. these are incomplete thoughts...any. thanks to all you who are praying...

off to find more beauty and breath in the heart of the savior.

Nepal

christmas programs, overdone and well done, root canals that aren't that bad, burritos with the works, bundled in heavy blankets fighting the cold, bacon and black coffee, seeing old friends, watching hope spring in little lives..oh such a nice couple of days i have had.

I am in nepal now. I got here saturday and have been enjoying life with the community here. so great to see guatum and rekha and see how much their lives have changed and the hope that continues to spring from what God is going in their lives and the lives around them.

i have needed a break and i am hoping this time of rest will help me refocus and get back on my feet on an emotional and spiritual level. i can feel myself just starting to let down. I leave for pokara tomorrow for a 5 days personal retreat...all alone with the silence, my bible and hopefully some long walks in nature. i am leaving early than expected because my root canal--yes they have a good dentist in nepal will require three visits. i had my first visit and it went really well and i have my next one on tuesday so i planned the retreat part in between. When i get back i will have more time with the nepal staff before heading back to kolkata on the 23rd.

i am little afraid of being alone for 5 days but if i could discern something that might be good but hard for me this would be what i need right now. i am taking some yarn,my crochet hook and a bible and will wait to see what god says in the waiting silence. my hopes are up...

i am off to exlpore thamel today... revist old memories and drink some coffee.

can you read my blogger?

we can not get blogger for some reason. i can post...at least i think i can...as you can see if you are reading this now. so weird. i am wondering if it is blocked in India for some reason. who knows?

so i am happily finishing off my first good day in awhile. we had 4 new ladies start training at Sari Bari today and maybe a few more starting on Wednesday. it was good a day...so beautiful to see more women coming into freedom. nice to have a very full house at SB. beautiful to see SB ladies bringing other ladies into freedom. i love being apart of kolkata's freedom story. i just love it!

i am a little homesick...being sick for awhile always seems to do that! and so does darn cute pictures of my neice addy! wow what a cutie..she makes amazing faces as seen below! Grace makes some pretty good ones too!!






Well thats all for now. thankful for my life with the SB ladies and thankful to have family all over the world, including the super cool beth and kristin, when i am homesick!

oh my aching bones...

today i made my first venture out of the house for the first time in 5 days to go and meet Kim at the airport. My fevers have slowed and i am really feeling the joint pain. pretty sure today i over did it by going out but that will not prevent me from going to Sari Bari at least half day tomorrow even if i am justing sitting with the ladies talking!! this fever is so weird, makes you feel a little crazy because you do something easy that you are used to doing like walking up the stairs and then your knees hurt for the rest of the day or you spend to much time trying to catch up on the computer and your wrists hurt.

for all my hardwork of going to pick up our christmas presents from kim at the airport i got lots of hugs and TLC from the visiting Sari Bari three who are at our house on tuesdays. They make me feel loved and they were also a great mom replacement on a sick day. being sick has had some benefits...i have had lots of time to think and i have thought up a couple of really cool ideas for sari bari--can't wait to get back to work and make some samples...but for the cc people reading, i am still going to be taking it slow this week at least!

sad to be sick

Well, i am sick with what appears to Chikungunya fever, that means fevers, flu like symptoms, nausea, and achy, sometimes painful joints. All three of us have it...kristin is on her way to recovery but beth and i are still battling the fevers. The doctor told beth that it might take 2 or 3 months to recover (thats best case) from the joint pain. so i think i need some fish oil pills...heard those where good for the joints. sadly, this means beth and i need to give up our half marathon in january and i might need to give up my break in the nepal which was going to include a trek. sad! i have been logging the hours watching all available TV on video and speed reading a 1000 page book--200 pages left and i started on saturday.

i want to be patient but i also want to go to work. I am not sure if God is saying rest or if something else is at work. glad to have an amazing bengali staff to pick up the slack. i am thankful for that and thanksgiving leftovers because i have been surving on mashed potatoes for three days (which i love).

Happy Thanksgiving

where are you?

Yes, i know i have not been around much later. I have found myself with much and little to say as we have been working our little behinds off to get Sari Blankets to the states and the UK.

I have a million thoughts and reflections on the beauty of teamwork and community as we came together to make the impossible happen. The joy of being crowded in our small little (sari) Bari patching and photographing the handwork of freedom for the the women. The joy of handing off the work of many months to be sent and shared with the world for a tangible affirmation of new life as people purchase blankets for their friends and family for christmas.

all this work for christmas orders has me thinking about christmas before thanksgiving. thinking about what a gift we have in jesus as our God who saves, our emmanuel..God with us.

I am listening to Mindy Smith's Christmas album feeling more sentimental by the moment and looking forward to watching White Christmas tomorrow (because yes i am downloading it on my itunes!). The thought of my neice singing "snow, snow, snow" is making me cry and long for my other home in the embrace of my family. But I think i am okay with that longing because almost everyday it is filled with the faces and arms of my other family...the ladies of sari bari, who are my tangible hope!

thankful to be in the arms of jesus because he saves, thankful for aunt mary and her passion for all things sari bari and for being my cheerleader, thankful for skype through which i can talk with everyone i love in america, thankful for ghetto dancing madness at christian events in india, thankful for more freedom and more hope for my beautiful friends at sari bari, thankful to celebrate thanksgiving in india with lots of things to be grateful for, thankful for praying before bed with kristin and beth, thankful to be downloading White Christmas, and i am thankful to be who i am, where i am...at least i am trying.

Sweet Community

These are few shots of our time with Silas, our Regional Coordinator, who came down from nepal to last week to encourage our community and help work through some good stuff. Needless to say, i was encouraged! We celebrate communion together and life together! More soon....

Sari Bari gets noticed!

does any one think grays anatomy might be cheap therapy?

the street before it got really crowed!!

really cute neighbor kids!

more cute neighbor kids...

so i just spent the last half hour crying(maybe weeping is better)through grays anatomy...have you seen the one in season three that makes you weep? you must know what i am talking about if you have seen it. i think crying is so healing. i wish a few tears could come without watching grays. i spent the last two days in luxury...someone nicely anonymously sponsored a a couple days at a sweet hotel for me. i spent have this time trying to achieve the emotional breakthrough that one episode of grays can do...this is superficial i know. glad to cry though... glad to remember those i love in all this drama that i feel is my life here sometimes.

i spent the last couple of hours before grays people watching downstairs. seeing all the beautiful people of india out and about on the street in front of my building celebrating their puja. they are so beautiful. my neighbors are so beautiful...kind and generous with their time and their tea. shared ice cream and conversation can make the world a better place i am pretty sure.

thankful for tears and books that rip my face off. thankful for cheese and wine and being at home. thankful for jesus in the midst of hard times. thankful for treadmills and running even when i do not want to...thankful to see maya tomorrow. thankful for tears and hope in suffering. amen!!

Confessions from the last two days alone in Kolkata

...it took me two days to do the dishes from our Saturday night visitors, yes i did them this morning!

...i read the whole section on suffering from Henri Nouwens "Here and Now"

...i have spent way too much time on the internet doing nothing. yes the gap has cute stuff but i can not wear it in india so why do i bother looking?

...i had our neighbor from downstairs come up for tea and movie today but mostly we just talked about life...it was nice!

...i went to the broadway hotel to hang out with George and his english friends and i had so much fun darn it!

...i barely left the house today, only to buy milk for tea and a bengali news paper for studying. the guy i bought the paper from somehow knew i lost my passport and asked me if i got a new one--how do people find these things out?

...i got my new indian visa, handwritten, i am not sure they will let me back in the country if i ever leave. i had to tell the guy that the correct word was "transferred" not "transpried" for what they were doing with my visa.

...i did my laundry but not very well. sometimes hand washing a two loads is just too much!

...i watched some grays anatomy.

...i had an amazing meal with one our friends from the gach. she was so sweet and generous and made me think that i will never be alone here...she told me i could come over any time day or night while beth and kristin are gone. she does not understand how i could possible want to be alone. i felt loved.

...i am currently being bombarded with loud non sensical music from the loud speakers outside my window...these sounds will last till 2 or 3 am and will go on for the next week at least. yes, puja season is here and bad loud speaker music is the anthem of the rest of my week.

...got an email from kristin and everyone is happy and learning good things in nepal. this makes me happy.

...oh, and i gave myself a pedicure-minus nail polish removal (no remover), i just had to paint over the old stuff but my feet are really clean. And i gave myself a facial...i did two masks...maybe this was too much but my skin needs help!!

A question of support...

Hey blog friends...just wanted to let you know that i posted my november prayer letter on the WMF website if you want to check it out.

Also I feel like I need to let my blogging friends know that I looking for some more great people to join my support team. i am really struggling with financial support. Usually, there is just enough to meet the needs of my salary and health care but for some reason i am in the hole right now (about -$700) and need some help. I have reviewed my yearly expenses and if I could raise an additional $200 a month that should cover all my support needs...that would just be 20 more people at $10 a month. If you are interested in supporting me you can do so by going to the this link on the WMF website (all the info you need to give on one handy page). Find the easiest way for you to give, indicate the gift is for my support account and then be sure of my thanks!!

I know that alot of you who read my blog do not get my prayer letters so i thought this might be a good way to let you know my needs. Thanks for taking the time to consider these things...

your thoughts, love, comments and prayers are always appreciated!

Jeremiah 17

i reached for deep water
but i can no longer try
trying has bent me over
wasted my limbs and pulled at my roots
i yearn i reach i strain
and i am still dry
still parched and battered by the wind
frail and longing for the deep
the river flows near
i wait for refreshment
i wait
i wait
i reach for deep water
but i can no longer try
trying has bent me over

for the deep water
i thirst
let my roots soak in what my limbs can not reach
thirsty i wait by the river
i must wait
so i wait because i can no longer try

doesnt everybody want to be loved

i am headed to the gach to be with girls i love...i do love them. i have good friend here and really all over the world who i love alot. i love the ladies at sari bari to the moon and back. i live with two women i love and respect alot. i love upendra and his quirky little ways and how much he loves his wife and how much his son loves to be around him. i love gita and her hard coreness for coming to work sick...even when i tell her not too. i even love kolkata and the people in it on my good days and that is what keeps me here on the bad ones...

i personally want to be loved for who i am...i want to be willing to be who i am and have that not be such a scary prospect for myself. I wish i did not care what other people think...i am trying and right at the moment learning that sometimes even when you make a good decision people still might not like it and treat you bad. i think i mostly feel sad because i want to the best for everyone and i want everyone to be happy and feel respected and cared for... i have to learn to feel confident in these strange gifts god has given me, like telling the truth, and foresight and thinking through every last little detail...however they sometimes make me feel lonely and i wish i could live in my INFP world all the time and did not have to be a "D". so basically when i feel this way i just remember who i love and who does love me and try not to worry about the rest. this is hard...but i am learning.

Good end to a hard day

okay, i am done changing my blog...you know is like a quarterly cycle for me. there is not much in my life i can change on a regular basis so the blog must change. i used to change my hair color every 6 months but i do not have the money or energy for that...the gray hair is winning and i think the blog is a safer place for change in the end.

i have sad news...i lost my passport. this is humiliating all by itself. in fact my feelings of humility kept me patience and very contrite at all the government offices i had to go too last thursday to get my passport replaced. sadly, today i learned that not only is my passport lost but there is no way in God's green earth that i will be able to make to our regional staff retreat...there are absolutely no tickets...not even first class until october 29th. i am sad. so this means at least three more weeks in kolkata and about 10 days on my own--trying to figure out something to do with myself since sari bari will be closed and everyone, and i do mean everyone will be gone in nepal or england or australia.

i know there must be a silver lining somewhere in this...i think i better do a what i am thankful for list to help me remember the good things...

i love sari bari, i love the ladies at sari bari, i love cold diet pepsi, i love the chili beth made for dinner tonight that tasted like home, i love taking pictures, i love skype and facebook and blogs in general, i love people who get excited about God heart for transformation, i love the rain that cools down kolkata, i love that someday soon i will get to go to nepal and have a personal retreat, i love that all things work out in the end (somehow), i love that being thankful is a good end to a hard day.

Pics from around Kolkata