I am one who loves safe places. I look for them in relationships, in physical spaces, even in my own brain. Since living in Kolkata, i think the desire for a safe, and beyond safe, a beautiful place has been even stronger within my heart. When i returned to kolkata more than 3 years ago, i dreamt of a garden. The garden was the symbol of the that safe beautiful place where i could find rest and safety in the midst of turmoil. My thought was the the garden would be not only be a physical space (my home) but an emotional, spiritual and mental space as well. There have been many days and even many months where it was hard to find the garden, to find the safe place where beauty dwells. But there have been divine moments of safety and rest and many have happen over meals of celebration in my home with dear friends. Many moments in the arms of friends and sisters at sari bari and many, many moments alone in the crowd, on the street, in the metro station where Jesus has met me and given me a moment in the garden. Tonight after a shared meal, intimate words and deep mutual understanding, i feel like i have been in the garden.
Maybe i should define the garden as i see it. The garden is "THE GARDEN" or eden. It is the place that God created for His Humanity at creation, it was a safe place of intimacy with Him. It was a place where humanity did not yet know sin and the beauty of God's creation was not yet flawed with turmoil and destruction. I know that God did not create us to live in a world of sin and brokenness. he created us for the garden, for initmacy with Him. the problem came with the choice and humanity chose the knowledge of good and evil, a knowledge God knew would be devastating to us both physically and emotionally and most certainly spiritual in our ability to have intimate relationship with Him. The beauty of the completed story is that God was still compelled have intimacy with us even after we had been cast out of the garden. He made a radical sacrifice so that we could have intimacy once again without sacrifice. A final sacrifice was made and intimacy was restored...and truly by the spirit, the garden was restored to us in relationship. So i can have moments in the garden with my Father even in the midst of chaos and destruction and suffering He meets with me. And cherish the moments in those safe places, in those relationships, in those physical spaces, in that place in my heart where He dwells eternal...because i know moments in the garden with the creator is what i was created for...
Thankful today for moments with Joe who offers me the embrace of the master. For moments with Beth who is my mirror and my heart friend. For moments with Jenny who makes me smile and for moments with Melinda who I long to know well. For moments with Daphne...because in even a few short sentences i feel known and loved. For moments with Micah who suffers yet who still upholds me. For moments in the metro where old ladies smile and giggle and try to converse in the one language you do not know. Looking forward to the surprise moments of intimacy with my creator that tomorrow may bring.
Doesn't everything die at last and too soon? Tell me what it is you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Thoughts on my favorite Mr. Anderson
I have voted for Brent Anderson for President in more than one presidential election over the past 10 years that I have known Him. He really may be the only truly qualified person for the job. He is a thoughtful, compassionate servant, a heroic man of strength and integrity. He would not lead as others have led but I am confident he would lead better, with more integrity, more creativity and more dry humor than most.
His blog may be my favorite reading of all time...you must go there to understand! He is a story teller, an economist, a theologian, an understated comic, and truly a profound thought leader!
The highlight reel...
Breakfast food at the Leavenworth Cafe
First to arrive, first to leave
Staff Retreat 2002
Driving to Waffle house after a Kentucky blizzard in Ben Oldhams old truck
Breakfast at Waffle house in Kentucky
Andrea Bocelli
The smell of tide
Best hugs in the Omaha office
Being Brent's thrift store stylist
Hello! (when brent answers the phone)
Patient, gracious kindness when I am late doing something again.
Good Debriefer
Being able to call Brent a friend
Brent is leaving Word Made Flesh but will remain at its heart. He taught us the meaning of serving with love. I feel like my right thumb is being cut off and I am wondering how will I use my right hand...opposable digits are essential. You will be dearly missed my friend.
His blog may be my favorite reading of all time...you must go there to understand! He is a story teller, an economist, a theologian, an understated comic, and truly a profound thought leader!
The highlight reel...
Breakfast food at the Leavenworth Cafe
First to arrive, first to leave
Staff Retreat 2002
Driving to Waffle house after a Kentucky blizzard in Ben Oldhams old truck
Breakfast at Waffle house in Kentucky
Andrea Bocelli
The smell of tide
Best hugs in the Omaha office
Being Brent's thrift store stylist
Hello! (when brent answers the phone)
Patient, gracious kindness when I am late doing something again.
Good Debriefer
Being able to call Brent a friend
Brent is leaving Word Made Flesh but will remain at its heart. He taught us the meaning of serving with love. I feel like my right thumb is being cut off and I am wondering how will I use my right hand...opposable digits are essential. You will be dearly missed my friend.
transformed anger
here is a gem of deep wisdom that continues to find its truth in my everyday life. When you are angry allow your anger to become sadness. In sadness, we can name the why's and because's of our feelings. Anger corrupts the why's and blinds us from being able to see quite clearly. Anger in so many cases is good, because it can protect, let you know of an injustice, give clear sight to know your heart if you let it become sadness...letting it go is apart of anger being okay. there is nothing that says do not be angry...just wisdom that speaks to heart that reminds us to not hold it for longer than a day. So when i let my anger become sadness, i can name my feelings. I am sad because i was not treated with dignity. I am sad because people i love are being hurt. I am sad because the losses around me scare me. I am sad because i feel out of control. i am sad because i do not feel valued and cared for the way i want to be cared for...and so on and so. anger becomes something in sadness that allows us to heal, to forgive, to be softened and freed by understanding, what in fact, is really wrong. and what is really wrong might be about me and it might be able someone else but either way, the end result is being free to let go at the end of the day and say father forgive us our trepasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
incarnational love
We can not define the measure of our losses. They are too great, to deep to speak. some losses we choose in our brokenness and some are inflicted...great treasures, great people taken.
in loss, I feel that to hold one who is grieving is all that relieves...today holding a mother whose son feels lost to her in the brokeness of His body. tight without letting go. Holding my dear "ma" as the depth of her pain still surfaces with rawness at the loss of her dear lover and partner. Holding a man I care about in my heart in his own sadness and loss because i can not hold him in person...it brings relief but not much really. we can not define the measure of our losses. they are too great to be understood...there is only the offering of presence that makes sense, embrace.
That is and was the incarnation. presence to us. presence for us. in our losses, for our losses, because of our losses. The only thing that makes sense to me everyday is "emmanuel", a God who is with us. i say it over and over. emmanuel. what the world needs, what i need is incarnation, someone to hold me. to be held, to be redeemed and have losses that should have been mine taken on by emmanuel, comforts. the pain of our losses, chosen and inflicted, taken, made into nonsense in the face of incarnational love, something new comes from our emmanuel. HOPE. incarnational love, an embrace, i am not alone, i am with you, you are with me, we are not alone.
in loss, I feel that to hold one who is grieving is all that relieves...today holding a mother whose son feels lost to her in the brokeness of His body. tight without letting go. Holding my dear "ma" as the depth of her pain still surfaces with rawness at the loss of her dear lover and partner. Holding a man I care about in my heart in his own sadness and loss because i can not hold him in person...it brings relief but not much really. we can not define the measure of our losses. they are too great to be understood...there is only the offering of presence that makes sense, embrace.
That is and was the incarnation. presence to us. presence for us. in our losses, for our losses, because of our losses. The only thing that makes sense to me everyday is "emmanuel", a God who is with us. i say it over and over. emmanuel. what the world needs, what i need is incarnation, someone to hold me. to be held, to be redeemed and have losses that should have been mine taken on by emmanuel, comforts. the pain of our losses, chosen and inflicted, taken, made into nonsense in the face of incarnational love, something new comes from our emmanuel. HOPE. incarnational love, an embrace, i am not alone, i am with you, you are with me, we are not alone.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Bright Field
There is no perfection in reunion...there is sweetness and sadness and beauty. Because reunion is full of the rawness of the seperation and the sadness for the losses not experienced together and knowing that something has been lost that keeps reunion from being perfect in its appearance. I was welcomed back into the arms of my dear friends at Sari Bari today...lined up to hug and embrace. I began to cry and one of the ladies asked why i would cry when being together was a good thing. I said I was crying because I was happy but more deeply I was sad as I looked into the eyes of some of my friends and thought of the losses that they have experienced in the last three months. I felt myself living their pain in that moment with them, delayed because of my absence. In these last months my life here in kolkata has been far from me in many ways but these women, these beautiful powerful transformed images of our creator God have been deeply held in my heart. it was their faces, their voices, their stories that called to me as i met with churches and friends and even in my family celebrations, they were with me. the reunion today reminded me just how much apart of me these women are, in leaving i left apart of myself behind with them, in returning i have been given back fullness plus so much more. I was reminded today that kolkata is a "perfect place". not because kolkata is a nice place or an easy place but the "perfect place", it is my bright field, my pearl of great price, it is worth all that i have and all that i am. it is "perfect" because it is the place that my dear jesus has called me His beloved amoung women I know are His most treasured daughters. To be at their side is a great honor. to love them till it hurts is my great priveledge. To be reunited, held not perfection, only the realness of our heart ties to one another....bound,linked,held...celebrating our life together, what has been and what will be.
My friend Julian has read this poem for me a couple of times now. It speaks of what I have found...my prayer is that I will not lose sight of it again.
The Bright Field
by R. S. Thomas
I have seen the sun break through
to illuminate a small field
for a while, and gone my way
and forgotten it. But that was the pearl
of great price, the one field that had
treasure in it. I realize now
that I must give all that I have
to possess it. Life is not hurrying
on to a receeding future, nor hankering after
an imagined past. It is the turning
aside like Moses to the miracle
of the lit bush, to a brightness
that seemed as transitory as your youth
once, but is the eternity that awaits you.
My friend Julian has read this poem for me a couple of times now. It speaks of what I have found...my prayer is that I will not lose sight of it again.
The Bright Field
by R. S. Thomas
I have seen the sun break through
to illuminate a small field
for a while, and gone my way
and forgotten it. But that was the pearl
of great price, the one field that had
treasure in it. I realize now
that I must give all that I have
to possess it. Life is not hurrying
on to a receeding future, nor hankering after
an imagined past. It is the turning
aside like Moses to the miracle
of the lit bush, to a brightness
that seemed as transitory as your youth
once, but is the eternity that awaits you.
Monday, January 05, 2009
Warming up to write again soon...
For now just a good quote:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. Thee's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Marianne Williamson, quoted by Nelson Mandela
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. Thee's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Marianne Williamson, quoted by Nelson Mandela
Saturday, November 01, 2008
finding life
where do we go to live? has life lived us or are we living full. i see the life around me in a small town and wonder are they happy. Are they alive? I am wondering if I am drinking the cup today? to the dregs...do it's depths stun me, humiliate me, bless me. Am i alive today? Or is my worry living me. Is there letting go in living? i am wandering through my leave of absence struggling to feel alive. in part i feel detached from my heart, my still beats in india for freedom, for my beloved community. i feel isolated and lonely, waiting for my heart to beat in this waiting, this worry. not sure how break free of the dungeon of over responsibility i have created for myself. i feel alive when i run, when my hands create, when my heart loves deeply, when fear of acceptance does not rule me. i feel alive when Jesus holds me, when i let Him. I feel alive when i drink from the cup of my life to the dregs...
So today a toast to the dregs! May we all live full, alive, and open to the beating hearts within us!
So today a toast to the dregs! May we all live full, alive, and open to the beating hearts within us!
Thursday, October 30, 2008
A great Sermon
One of the great thing about being home is being apart of my mom and dad's church community. Dad preached one of the best sermon's i have heard in a long time on sunday. If you are interested you can listen.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
beauty
we took a long drive up into the forest...gorgeous. deep green pines giving stark contrast to brilliant yellow. Red shocking us with depth and orange backed by fall sunlight. I love fall. it seems forever since i was able to experience the beauty of the changing seasons. I also went with my mom to an antique store...my own personal heaven. I will go back again and again just to browse at the beauty. thinking of my beautiful friends around the world as beauty graces me today.
Friday, October 24, 2008
thoughts on off the radar
so i am off the radar so to speak. Trying to rest,to be, struggling without my "do" in place. I keep checking my email and facebook and this blog that i have not written on in months. i am missing bethie and kolkata and the ladies...they stay in the back of mind everyday as i wake up late because i stayed up late and as i crochet my way to happiness. so far this week, i have made dinner a couple of times, climbed on the roof to attach the cable for the TV antenna (my heart is still beating fast), peeled some apples on an amazing contraption, watched half an oprah, caught up on gray's, still catching up on lost from last year and had a starbucks coffee with my mom at the grocery store. i am weirded out by everything being so clean and accessible. I am wondering about a recession when i all can see is excess things and choices (not minimizing people struggles just trying to get my mind around it after being in india). i judge myself and my own desire for a trip to target (i am in the recesses of the oregon wilderness, i know this because the nearest target is an hour away). it's my first week off the radar and i am learning to slow but i am not slow yet, my neck still pulls to the right when i get an email about work (lord help me). I want to let go or lay it all down so to speak so i can take it up again in a healthier fuller better way, make sense? So next week will be planned rest in the beauty of the oregon wilderness, maybe moving toward something will help me move away in a good way toward true rest. ahhhh...
Monday, October 13, 2008
Sari Bari Website is LIVE
Hey peeps...just wanted to let you know that you can now purchase sari blankets and bags from the Sari Bari website. Exciting new step for the Sari Bari family!!
Visit http://www.saribari.com/store/blankets
Visit http://www.saribari.com/store/blankets
Thursday, October 02, 2008
October Prayer Letter
I sat with the ladies today as they cried. One after the other tears came to their eyes as they thought of their friend, teacher and sister leaving. I cried too. Not much sewing actually happened this afternoon at Sari Bari but their was the cleansing, healing work of tears. The tears were for our dear staff member, Kristin Keen, who is returning to the states after 5 years and she is taking with her the love of these women and a little piece of the heart of Sari Bari. Kristin was the original visionary for Sari Bari and my partner in founding Sari Bari more than 2 years ago. Sari Bari is now full of women on the road to freedom (35 women as of writing) and is a beautiful community of transformed women, a few of us passionate ex-pats, and a committed and growing Indian Staff. Freedom is happening here…
Tomorrow we celebrate. We will gather together all the men, women, and children who know and love Kristin. It will mark a goodbye but also what might be a future remembrance from another celebration, the Wedding Supper of the lamb. On that day we might all be together again celebrating what brought us together in the first place, Jesus love and amazing grace.
I love celebrations. I love times at the table. I grew up in a house of family dinners, Saturday’s at the pool at grandma’s (Baba’s or Grandma Lance’s), big Christmas and Easter celebrations and celebration of every holiday in between. Birthdays, good behavior or good grades meant the red plate. Thanks to my parents, who know how to celebrate, I learned to celebrate and the value of honoring people.
Life in Kolkata, for all of it difficulties, is full of celebrations. Indians love to celebrate (maybe because life here is often so hard for everyone). There are more than 25 public holidays here, seriously they love to have festivals. We, the WMF Kolkata Community and Sari Bari Family, celebrate everything! We celebrate the first day a new woman starts at Sari Bari with a cake, what we call a “Mukti Birthday”, the start of the woman’s road to freedom. It is the marker of a new life and we continue this celebration annually for the rest of the woman’s time at Sari Bari (hopefully, some day there will be a 20 year celebration of freedom for some of our women!!!). We also have something called Community Night in which we celebrate our life together every few weeks over a meal. If there is a birthday, then we celebrate the person and how God has created them and who He is creating them to be. We celebrate production targets met and unmet. We celebrate all of these things in community with one another. Each time it feels like I not only enjoy the taste of a good meal but also a bit of what it might be like to be at the Wedding Supper of the Lamb because I sense God’s presence in those celebrations. To sit among the beloved, in the presence of the God of the Universe and His son, the slain lamb.
Jesus talked of places of honor at the table and how where we place ourselves will ultimately affect our final position. If we sit at the head of the table and someone with more prestige comes, we may be asked to move down to the end of the table. But if we posture ourselves in humility and take a set at end of the table in the first place, the host may ask that we move to the front of the table. Recently, some amazing women came and spent some time with us at Sari Bari. In reflecting on Jesus words about the table, they thought about our “table” at Sari Bari. We actually do not have a table. Everyone sits on the floor, whether we are sharing in our daily lunch or on a celebration day meals. So there is no place of honor really, we all have a place in the circle. As Amey and Leia reflected, it became clear that the only place of honor at Sari Bari, is the place of service. The only person standing during any meal is the one serving and usually there is a loud barrage of encouragements to sit down and eat with everyone else!
Kristin has sat with us at the table for many years now both as community member and as a servant. Having shared life among us, tomorrow Kristin will hold the place of honor, as one who served with us. And we will celebrate her life and service in Kolkata with tears, dancing, good food, and laughter. We will mark this day as remembrance for when we meet again at the wedding supper of the Lamb.
Celebrating Jesus work among us!
Love,
Sarah
End Note: The party was amazing! There were 135 people, half of them from Sari Bari, the rest from all the places where Kristin gives herself; the Mukti Network, our small group, many, many women from Songacchi (the red light area), our neighbors (new and old) and our friends from Freeset. Also, I am wondering if maybe when we do sit at the Wedding Supper of the Lamb if it will be round table…here’s hoping!
Tomorrow we celebrate. We will gather together all the men, women, and children who know and love Kristin. It will mark a goodbye but also what might be a future remembrance from another celebration, the Wedding Supper of the lamb. On that day we might all be together again celebrating what brought us together in the first place, Jesus love and amazing grace.
I love celebrations. I love times at the table. I grew up in a house of family dinners, Saturday’s at the pool at grandma’s (Baba’s or Grandma Lance’s), big Christmas and Easter celebrations and celebration of every holiday in between. Birthdays, good behavior or good grades meant the red plate. Thanks to my parents, who know how to celebrate, I learned to celebrate and the value of honoring people.
Life in Kolkata, for all of it difficulties, is full of celebrations. Indians love to celebrate (maybe because life here is often so hard for everyone). There are more than 25 public holidays here, seriously they love to have festivals. We, the WMF Kolkata Community and Sari Bari Family, celebrate everything! We celebrate the first day a new woman starts at Sari Bari with a cake, what we call a “Mukti Birthday”, the start of the woman’s road to freedom. It is the marker of a new life and we continue this celebration annually for the rest of the woman’s time at Sari Bari (hopefully, some day there will be a 20 year celebration of freedom for some of our women!!!). We also have something called Community Night in which we celebrate our life together every few weeks over a meal. If there is a birthday, then we celebrate the person and how God has created them and who He is creating them to be. We celebrate production targets met and unmet. We celebrate all of these things in community with one another. Each time it feels like I not only enjoy the taste of a good meal but also a bit of what it might be like to be at the Wedding Supper of the Lamb because I sense God’s presence in those celebrations. To sit among the beloved, in the presence of the God of the Universe and His son, the slain lamb.
Jesus talked of places of honor at the table and how where we place ourselves will ultimately affect our final position. If we sit at the head of the table and someone with more prestige comes, we may be asked to move down to the end of the table. But if we posture ourselves in humility and take a set at end of the table in the first place, the host may ask that we move to the front of the table. Recently, some amazing women came and spent some time with us at Sari Bari. In reflecting on Jesus words about the table, they thought about our “table” at Sari Bari. We actually do not have a table. Everyone sits on the floor, whether we are sharing in our daily lunch or on a celebration day meals. So there is no place of honor really, we all have a place in the circle. As Amey and Leia reflected, it became clear that the only place of honor at Sari Bari, is the place of service. The only person standing during any meal is the one serving and usually there is a loud barrage of encouragements to sit down and eat with everyone else!
Kristin has sat with us at the table for many years now both as community member and as a servant. Having shared life among us, tomorrow Kristin will hold the place of honor, as one who served with us. And we will celebrate her life and service in Kolkata with tears, dancing, good food, and laughter. We will mark this day as remembrance for when we meet again at the wedding supper of the Lamb.
Celebrating Jesus work among us!
Love,
Sarah
End Note: The party was amazing! There were 135 people, half of them from Sari Bari, the rest from all the places where Kristin gives herself; the Mukti Network, our small group, many, many women from Songacchi (the red light area), our neighbors (new and old) and our friends from Freeset. Also, I am wondering if maybe when we do sit at the Wedding Supper of the Lamb if it will be round table…here’s hoping!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
September 2008 Prayer Letter
Most of life is lived in the tension between knowing that God is taking me somewhere and not knowing where I am going. It is in this tension where we find ourselves waiting, often in silence and sorrow, on the instruction and promises of God. Here we remember the things he spoke calling us into the journey; here we contend with the seeming evidence that his promises are not true…We see hints and glimmers of what was intended, but the distortions of our veiled eyes, this world bent frame, or the illusionary, mocking ways of evil cause us to doubt what we see and hear at every turn.
Jan Meyers, Listening to Love
God has been taking me somewhere these many years but I often feel like I do not know exactly where he is taking me. He has brought me to India, to Kolkata, to a place of death and destruction to show me the life and hope that is possible for those bound by its darkness. He has brought me here to community and intimacy in friendship among His beloved poor to be apart of the body of Christ in this place. But sometimes, I still wonder where He is taking me.
I have been in a season of brokeness here and I have asked God so many times where are you taking me? I have been asking God about his promises for me, about my unmet desires and hopes and dreams. I have been wrestling with what it means to lose my life here, so that I might gain it. And the response came through Dad earlier this week as I shared my broken and over burdened heart, “God is not asking you to lose your life to India, Sarah, God is asking you to lose your life to Him.” The response is simple and easy from the outside, but inside this season of doubt and fear, I have been struggling to lose my life in battle that was not mine to fight. I have been struggling to lose my life, manage Sari Bari, care for the women, care for the WMF staff and in that pressing forward, working harder, I have only burnt out. I have come so far to the end of my rope, that I have gone beyond it to the point where I have nothing to hang onto at the moment. Nothing but Jesus.
So I am re-evaluating and ready to choose a different way of being in Kolkata. I am giving up “trying”. I am laying down working harder for the freedom of these beloved and choosing to allow God to take the reigns in a new way, a life submitted, I can not do it anymore way. And God is speaking His gracious love over me reminding that I never had to do it, the job that fills my days was always His. The chaff in my heart is being burned as I try to lay myself down at His feet. And I must say that “the life giving fire of the Spirit has rarely made me comfortable…it consumes everything in its path. When I’ve tried to fill the charred places with my own efforts—trying to be a better friend, (a better leader, a better servant), trying to be more loving---I have missed the point: Love wants to fill me, to take control….The spirit has something else in mind. Instead of my trying harder, the spirit wants me to rest, releasing the life of Christ in me (Meyers).”
Blaise Pascal wrote this prayer:
Everything that is not God, is unable to fulfill my desires. It is you alone that I seek, that I may have you. O Lord, open my heart…Enter in, as into a strong man’s house. But first bind the strong and powerful enemy, who is tryrant over it. Take to yourself the treasures that are there. Lord take my affections which the world has robbed me of; spoil the world of this treasure. Rather, continue to posses it, for it belongs only to you.
“This man was experiencing a holy resignation, a holy giving up. He had fainted. He could do no more, offer nothing more, he could come up with no other devices to battle to try to please God, nor earn love (Meyers).”
I am experiencing a “holy giving up.” I am giving up the heavy burden for the easy yoke, a yoke that is shared and where the burden is on Jesus’ shoulders not my own. I am not giving up my calling or vocation in India just the way I do it. I hope you pray with me in this season for something new as I seek to break free of over-responsibilty and trying to please God, and be freed into His love in a new way.
I am coming home this fall for a season of rest and renewal and to share my heart with the church and gather a larger community of supporters and prayerful senders to hold me up for the many years in Kolkata that I hope to remain. While I am in the states, I will be pursuing some intensive counseling to deal with issues of post tramatic stress due to the intense environment in which we live. I will spend time with family and loved ones soaking in the embraces. And I hope to be able to share with several church communities in Oregon and California.
I have continually struggled with financial support in the last several years and I know that many of you find yourselves also in difficult financial situations, so I struggle to ask again for your support. I am looking for 50 people who would be willing to support me on a monthly basis for $10.00 a month or 25 people who can support me for $20.00 a month. This extra $500.00 a month will cover the regular deficit in my support account. I am currently raising about $1000.00 a month which covers my living expenses and taxes. The additional support will cover required annual travel for visa runs, annual spiritual retreat, retirement, health care and health insurance, and development (language and spiritual development resources). My immediate needs include funds for a ticket to the states ($1600) in November, a very overdue Physical check up ($300) and funds for counseling expenses ($500) while I am home in the states. If you are able to support any of these needs with a one time financial gift I would really appreciate it.
You can give through the Word Made Flesh website or you can set up a automated deductions through your checking account (you can call WMF to have the form sent to you by mail, 800-279-4543) and then return the form to WMF, P.O. Box 70, Omaha, NE 68101. Or you can mail a check to the same address with a note that the funds are for my support account.
Thanks for your love and support in this season and in the year past and those to come. Jesus sustains me and you make my presence here possible in so many ways.
Much love and respect,
Sarah
Jan Meyers, Listening to Love
God has been taking me somewhere these many years but I often feel like I do not know exactly where he is taking me. He has brought me to India, to Kolkata, to a place of death and destruction to show me the life and hope that is possible for those bound by its darkness. He has brought me here to community and intimacy in friendship among His beloved poor to be apart of the body of Christ in this place. But sometimes, I still wonder where He is taking me.
I have been in a season of brokeness here and I have asked God so many times where are you taking me? I have been asking God about his promises for me, about my unmet desires and hopes and dreams. I have been wrestling with what it means to lose my life here, so that I might gain it. And the response came through Dad earlier this week as I shared my broken and over burdened heart, “God is not asking you to lose your life to India, Sarah, God is asking you to lose your life to Him.” The response is simple and easy from the outside, but inside this season of doubt and fear, I have been struggling to lose my life in battle that was not mine to fight. I have been struggling to lose my life, manage Sari Bari, care for the women, care for the WMF staff and in that pressing forward, working harder, I have only burnt out. I have come so far to the end of my rope, that I have gone beyond it to the point where I have nothing to hang onto at the moment. Nothing but Jesus.
So I am re-evaluating and ready to choose a different way of being in Kolkata. I am giving up “trying”. I am laying down working harder for the freedom of these beloved and choosing to allow God to take the reigns in a new way, a life submitted, I can not do it anymore way. And God is speaking His gracious love over me reminding that I never had to do it, the job that fills my days was always His. The chaff in my heart is being burned as I try to lay myself down at His feet. And I must say that “the life giving fire of the Spirit has rarely made me comfortable…it consumes everything in its path. When I’ve tried to fill the charred places with my own efforts—trying to be a better friend, (a better leader, a better servant), trying to be more loving---I have missed the point: Love wants to fill me, to take control….The spirit has something else in mind. Instead of my trying harder, the spirit wants me to rest, releasing the life of Christ in me (Meyers).”
Blaise Pascal wrote this prayer:
Everything that is not God, is unable to fulfill my desires. It is you alone that I seek, that I may have you. O Lord, open my heart…Enter in, as into a strong man’s house. But first bind the strong and powerful enemy, who is tryrant over it. Take to yourself the treasures that are there. Lord take my affections which the world has robbed me of; spoil the world of this treasure. Rather, continue to posses it, for it belongs only to you.
“This man was experiencing a holy resignation, a holy giving up. He had fainted. He could do no more, offer nothing more, he could come up with no other devices to battle to try to please God, nor earn love (Meyers).”
I am experiencing a “holy giving up.” I am giving up the heavy burden for the easy yoke, a yoke that is shared and where the burden is on Jesus’ shoulders not my own. I am not giving up my calling or vocation in India just the way I do it. I hope you pray with me in this season for something new as I seek to break free of over-responsibilty and trying to please God, and be freed into His love in a new way.
I am coming home this fall for a season of rest and renewal and to share my heart with the church and gather a larger community of supporters and prayerful senders to hold me up for the many years in Kolkata that I hope to remain. While I am in the states, I will be pursuing some intensive counseling to deal with issues of post tramatic stress due to the intense environment in which we live. I will spend time with family and loved ones soaking in the embraces. And I hope to be able to share with several church communities in Oregon and California.
I have continually struggled with financial support in the last several years and I know that many of you find yourselves also in difficult financial situations, so I struggle to ask again for your support. I am looking for 50 people who would be willing to support me on a monthly basis for $10.00 a month or 25 people who can support me for $20.00 a month. This extra $500.00 a month will cover the regular deficit in my support account. I am currently raising about $1000.00 a month which covers my living expenses and taxes. The additional support will cover required annual travel for visa runs, annual spiritual retreat, retirement, health care and health insurance, and development (language and spiritual development resources). My immediate needs include funds for a ticket to the states ($1600) in November, a very overdue Physical check up ($300) and funds for counseling expenses ($500) while I am home in the states. If you are able to support any of these needs with a one time financial gift I would really appreciate it.
You can give through the Word Made Flesh website or you can set up a automated deductions through your checking account (you can call WMF to have the form sent to you by mail, 800-279-4543) and then return the form to WMF, P.O. Box 70, Omaha, NE 68101. Or you can mail a check to the same address with a note that the funds are for my support account.
Thanks for your love and support in this season and in the year past and those to come. Jesus sustains me and you make my presence here possible in so many ways.
Much love and respect,
Sarah
Saturday, July 26, 2008
When good things come to pass...
There are things in the last few days that have lifted my eyes from the ground and reminded me that the "to do's" have a grace in them. Because sometimes there is a beautiful fruit the past investment that reminds me of my current purpose in vocation and calling amoung the women in the trade. sometimes doing the thing i do not feel like doing leads to provision, grace and hope in ways i do not understand until later.
The stories of interns being discipled by our women of grace and beauty through their hospitality and friendship. The wisdom of a Godly child teaching her silly leaders about grace and true beauty. I love hearing the stories retold,i love the words that are preached being lived out so well as to remind me of my why's and yes'.
Gita's words,
"I am beautiful because God made me beautiful."
"Your life has so much value."
Spoken over others with simple confidence, far reaching in their simplicity and wisdom. The passionate embrace of confidence in being a loved one of Jesus.
i was tired and worn yesterday and the last thing i wanted to look at another property but to my surprise I saw the perfect location for Sari Bari in the Gach. really nothing could be better! It was more than amazing...it is what i have been praying for months. we have been looking and looking for a space in the other area we work but the doors have remained closed and this seems to be opening up. i could provide freedom to 50 women. it is in the middle of the largest redlight area and on the worst lane for underage girls. it would be a beacon of hope in the middle of desperation. pray, pray,pray that we get it, pray that we can work out the funds, pray for a miracle!!
My dear friend julie is here visiting. it is good to be known and share this part of my life with such an old friend.
thankful for today and trying to be faithful in the waiting for those good things that God has for His kids in Kolkata.
The stories of interns being discipled by our women of grace and beauty through their hospitality and friendship. The wisdom of a Godly child teaching her silly leaders about grace and true beauty. I love hearing the stories retold,i love the words that are preached being lived out so well as to remind me of my why's and yes'.
Gita's words,
"I am beautiful because God made me beautiful."
"Your life has so much value."
Spoken over others with simple confidence, far reaching in their simplicity and wisdom. The passionate embrace of confidence in being a loved one of Jesus.
i was tired and worn yesterday and the last thing i wanted to look at another property but to my surprise I saw the perfect location for Sari Bari in the Gach. really nothing could be better! It was more than amazing...it is what i have been praying for months. we have been looking and looking for a space in the other area we work but the doors have remained closed and this seems to be opening up. i could provide freedom to 50 women. it is in the middle of the largest redlight area and on the worst lane for underage girls. it would be a beacon of hope in the middle of desperation. pray, pray,pray that we get it, pray that we can work out the funds, pray for a miracle!!
My dear friend julie is here visiting. it is good to be known and share this part of my life with such an old friend.
thankful for today and trying to be faithful in the waiting for those good things that God has for His kids in Kolkata.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
buried
If could describe myself in word today...i would say "buried." the have tos and have nots, should, and coulds, and what ifs, and "responsiblities" real or false have me buried at the moment. i hate that whenever i go to the states that coming back here is so hard. that i catch my breath for moment in the company of family and friends and then i must again submerge, hold my breath and wonder how long i can make it this time. the things is i know i could leave but i do not want to--i want to make it work here, i want to thrive here...sometimes i do thrive. but probably more real is that i mostly survive. The conflict is of course that i love the ladies, i love my job as catalyst of movements and ideas and developer of others, i love my community. But i am having a hard time thriving at the moment, being sick does not help much. each life giving moment feels swallowed by the moments that want to take from me. maybe i am holding on too tight, so rather than giving my life away, i feel like it is being taken. maybe this is a season, I hope so. i want to write good things, amazing stories of hope and truth not self sad complaining words but i am stuggling to keep my head up. so i only catch glimpes of the light, moments each day that move me forward. moments like on friday when i remember what it is i am about in this place--freedom on behalf of the only one who offers it truly. i remembered the visions of something new for sari bari in a new place and something new for girls for in mushirabad who might not need to find a job in a red light area if we can offer them one at home. It was a moment of light when Gita said i will go, i will go. i want to go and be a light bringer to the darkness, to show these girls they have value. that was my moment on friday...i think it might get me through the week. if you pray, pray for me. pray for something fresh to refresh and breath to help me breath when i feel like i am can not, pray for grace.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
receive or else
I heard a good sermon this morning. it was good reminder and challenge for my week. He talked about receiving, something i have a very difficult time with in general especially receiving affirmation or compliments. I think part of it is that i really do believe many times things that happen here have nothing to do with me and part of it is that i am just bad at receiving. the speaker said that one of the reasons that we find the cross offensive is because there is nothing that we can contribute to it. we have no part in it, we can not ask God not to do it for us or say let me take part of the burden...it was and is a gift, a divine sacrificial compliment for us to receive. there is no other response but gratefulness. it is hard to just rest in that place of knowing that we can do nothing to make it up to God. we can only be who he has called us be, human beings, in a broken world where his Kingdom has come, is coming and will come. We are called to "be" not "do"...being always supercedes doing. we are human "beings" not human "doing"...though we/I often like to think the doing will make the being easier. if i can just get it all done then i can be. maybe this week i try to "be" and let the doing happen out of that place.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
nobody wants pain
You know you have been wounded so deeply by a person that you can barely breathe right when you think of them....you remember the love your enemies thing, and the desire, the hope, even the ache to be able to fully forgive. but the wound still smarts and stings with pain, healing never really happened because there was not reconcilliation. Over the last years, i have learned alot about forgiving the debt, having been forgiven my own debt over and over. and seeing the women forgive those who have trafficked them, seeing the women forgive the culture which binds them...they are my light, my leaders in forgiveness. Sometimes, as much as, we may want an apology, my might not get it but forgiveness still has to happen. I am in a place where i need to really forgive someone who really, really hurt me and i am weepy to think of having to see this person, to be kind, to turn the other cheek allowing for the possibility that they might strike again. i guess you could say I am afraid. afraid of judgement, afraid of my own anger, afraid of being walked on if open the door again. I told beth yesterday, i choose everyday to forgive but nothing has made this particular hurt less painful, or me feel less vulnerable to being hurt again. I think i feel mostly broken and broken hearted and i am trusting God for his miraculous grace, his healing and his ability to set me in the presence of those who might hurt me or those i love and not fear.
I often think that living here in Kolkata has a tendancy to expose me in a way that nothing else can in the world. it also has a way of healing me, teaching me and changing me for the good like nothing else can... I sometimes think if i did not live here, if this was not my call, my vocation, my dream then i would not have to drink this cup of suffering. which might be true, but i also know that in that cup, that beautiful cup of suffering is great joy. so i am holding out for joy and redemeption and reconcilliation.
I often think that living here in Kolkata has a tendancy to expose me in a way that nothing else can in the world. it also has a way of healing me, teaching me and changing me for the good like nothing else can... I sometimes think if i did not live here, if this was not my call, my vocation, my dream then i would not have to drink this cup of suffering. which might be true, but i also know that in that cup, that beautiful cup of suffering is great joy. so i am holding out for joy and redemeption and reconcilliation.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Off the radar
So I am not very good at traditions. Jumping back into life here is never easy...there is no slow road. it is in or out, full on or not. there is never any half way. kristin describes at a full course meal 3 times a day(and you do not really like what is being served) when sometimes all you really want is salad. it is not just being back at work but squeezing myself onto the crowded metro and the horns, the horns, the horns. the emotions of sadness, joy and some fear all mixed together. The suffering never makes sense, whether i am far away or near and coming face to face again always is a little harsh. the needs never go away, there is aways a conflict to mediate, a teachable moment or a person who needs a hug or a hand. And then all the tasks, the tasks are on top of the emotions. so i have been off the radar, trying to get back on my proverbial feet. i am almost there, unpacked and ready to put my suitcases away. ready for routine and ready to more forward beyond the amazing vacation days to the these days before me.
we have lots of fun things in the days ahead. kyle, a former servant team member and way amazing person, comes wednesday to start three years with us and then we have a team from the states for weeks which is includes some of the coolest people i know...the heuertz's and amanda and chad knihal and then some i do not know...amey and leah who will be interns with me for about a month...i am expecting them to be cool too!
we have lots of fun things in the days ahead. kyle, a former servant team member and way amazing person, comes wednesday to start three years with us and then we have a team from the states for weeks which is includes some of the coolest people i know...the heuertz's and amanda and chad knihal and then some i do not know...amey and leah who will be interns with me for about a month...i am expecting them to be cool too!
Monday, June 16, 2008
Sari Bari Stuff Available NOW!
Our latest shipment has finally arrived--long-awaited bags, baby
blankets and throws!!
Click on the links below to see what's available.
bags are $24.00
http://picasaweb.google.com/saribariindia/BagsAprilShipment?authkey=Ta9NulQB424">
baby blankets (aprox. 36 x 36) are $35.00
http://picasaweb.google.com/saribariindia/BabyBlanketsAprilShipment?authkey=e_qAA-Uprok
regular sized throws (aprox.34 x 80) are $58.00
http://picasaweb.google.com/saribariindia/BlanketsAprilShipmentToStates?authkey=0pIjHF0wBLI
xl throws (aprox. 50 x 80) are $100.00
http://picasaweb.google.com/saribariindia/XLThrowsAndBedspreadAprilShipment?authkey=p4h_WjXbajU
(+ tax for those of you who live in TN and NE)
Shipping Costs:
$5.50 for the first bag OR
$7.00 for the first blanket
+ $4.00 for each additional item
If you would like to make a purchase, please email melinda@saribari.com
indicating your preferences by number. As always, items tend to sell quickly so you may want to list several options or state no preference and let us pick an
available beauty for you!
We will reply to your e-mails as quickly as possible to confirm your
sale and to let you know your total.
Checks can be made out to Word Made Flesh and sent to:
Sari Bari
P.O. Box 56
Omaha, NE 68101
All payments should be received by Friday June 27th and all products ordered
will be shipped the next day, June 28th via USPS 2-day priority mail.
Thank you for your support of Sari Bari and for making life-giving freedom
for many women possible!!
blankets and throws!!
Click on the links below to see what's available.
bags are $24.00
http://picasaweb.google.com/saribariindia/BagsAprilShipment?authkey=Ta9NulQB424">
baby blankets (aprox. 36 x 36) are $35.00
http://picasaweb.google.com/saribariindia/BabyBlanketsAprilShipment?authkey=e_qAA-Uprok
regular sized throws (aprox.34 x 80) are $58.00
http://picasaweb.google.com/saribariindia/BlanketsAprilShipmentToStates?authkey=0pIjHF0wBLI
xl throws (aprox. 50 x 80) are $100.00
http://picasaweb.google.com/saribariindia/XLThrowsAndBedspreadAprilShipment?authkey=p4h_WjXbajU
(+ tax for those of you who live in TN and NE)
Shipping Costs:
$5.50 for the first bag OR
$7.00 for the first blanket
+ $4.00 for each additional item
If you would like to make a purchase, please email melinda@saribari.com
indicating your preferences by number. As always, items tend to sell quickly so you may want to list several options or state no preference and let us pick an
available beauty for you!
We will reply to your e-mails as quickly as possible to confirm your
sale and to let you know your total.
Checks can be made out to Word Made Flesh and sent to:
Sari Bari
P.O. Box 56
Omaha, NE 68101
All payments should be received by Friday June 27th and all products ordered
will be shipped the next day, June 28th via USPS 2-day priority mail.
Thank you for your support of Sari Bari and for making life-giving freedom
for many women possible!!
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