yes, that is U2...but some good truth there for me. I have spent a week of rest in a relatively clean and decent place and in reflecting this morning I know that it still does not bring the satisfaction that i hoped for...i do not want to complain because time here has been really good. but I think being back in bangkok before depart tomorrow allows reality to set back in...i am looking forward to going back to kolkata but the next months will bring alot of work and i am sure alot of stress as we press forward into sari bari and the work in the gach.
i was reading ezekeil (sp?) this morning and in chapter one and two he basically describes the glory of God...the firery beautiful brillance. then i read 1 cor 3..and was struck again with paul being like "what you need a letter of recommendation"...you are the letter so be who you are...and then you have this treasure in jars of clay...that this is not about you but about jesus...i know i wrote about this before but it seems to kick my butt every time. it is not about you!! get over yourself, you are the letter so represent but do not let it be about you. so my goal is reflect that brilliance of ezekeil (the seen glory of God) as the letter with out letter my smoky, light dimming sinfulness getting in the way...the part of me that is selfish and needy and fearful. i am going to try anyway. sometimes i really can not get over how much crap I see reflected back to me in the context of community...i used to think i was a nice person, i still mostly am, but wow sometimes i really do not like who i am because it is not very nice at all.
so what i am looking for is a better me in the context of broken world...to be the letter no matter where i am in the world, to the jar of clay that can be crushed like an indian tea cup so that the glory of god can be seen inspite of me.
hey yeah i am not really as full of self loathing as it might seem in this blog but i am just feeling aware of my humanity and my brokeness in the context of community and what and how that brokenness can be used for his glory starting now and into the next years and months in kolkata.
this morning i realized that really want to content with my circumstances, not matter what they are, to find the goodness, peace and beauty in the good, bad and ugly times of life. i see others always striving never content..nothing is ever good enough and wow, seems like it would be really disappointing way to live. so i am gonna figure out in my idealist little mind how to enjoy whatever the circumstance while at the same hoping for the best in people and situations...my this is not possible but i really want it to be...like this morning i am going to enjoy starbucks on a cloudy day in bangkok...a moment that will be amazing and maybe divine depending on the brew of coffee today:)
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