Thursday, December 27, 2007

whole life

so i am back in crazy k-town. the a cacophony of horns wake me up in the morning. I squeeze myself into the metro to get to my favorite place in the world and get the beautiful priveledge of walking with the women of SB in their lives of freedom. I get to see the kingdom coming everyday. there is fullness in my life because of my communities prayers and hopes and dreams.

after my time of rest, i have been pondering what it means to have full life. i certainly have a life that is full. but sometimes, it is so full of work and things i feel i have to do that i lose the joy. i want it all. the treasure of freedom for the women and the satisfaction of work, the peace of rest and the joy of play. i want to create something new everyday....spend myself fully and not battle burnout.

i am a woman who wants to make things happen and when they do not or there is disappointment i take it hard. i realized that i need to be in place where i can relax and just "be" in the all the situations i find myself. i can not control and fix myself or fix everyone around me. i am terribly hard on myself most of the this needs to be my year of grace. the year i learn to live in grace, walk in grace and be graceful. like i said before i need to let the savior save and everyone around me instead striving so hard to create a perfect situation that my never exist. because i see the kingdom coming inspite of me, inspite of all the failures, all the hardness of real relationship, all the trials of living in another a culture. the kingdom comes in spite of me...thank sweet jesus for that.

i am wishing for newness for my heart this year. a fresh fullness that comes from being one who is saved and knowing that is enough.

i also want to lose 35 pounds this year...35 because i am turning 35 and it seems like a good time to try for it. so i am filling my plate with fruit and vegtables and holding off on the all the lovely goodies i got for christmas. but still enjoying little treasures like chocolate with my coffee this morning. but of course even in this i hope to walk in grace.

so a toast to new life, a whole life, and walking in grace.


Monday, December 17, 2007


i am wondering how the world can contain so much beauty and so much pain. i am conflicted by the amazing 24 hours i had on the high mountains overlooking the himalayas and the desperation of being sick again with giardia and the bus ride back to kathmandu...see povertys cost to humanity. empty blank eyes asking me for help...begging but not looking. words swirling around the bus like development and underdevelopment, economics and the floating dollar, the gold standard and poverty causes. everyone wants someone to be responsible but no one wants responsiblity...this includes me right now. i wanted to escape in pokara...pretend that only me and God existed for a few days. but escape was not possible...God can not be seperated from the need in the world. he does not take a timeout from the suffering...but i desperately wanted not to be offered maryjane, or massages by teenage boys or hear the sneering calls of the beggars looking to corner a rich westerner. i am weary of the talk, of the hurt and of myself. i had the mountain top for 24 amazing hours in a five days period...only sunrises and sunsets on the himalayas, sunshine and stunning silence, brillant stars and clean air. but it only exists as a apart of the rest of the days full of restlessness, wondering, doubt, fear, striving, difficult prayer and pain. i want to seperate and isolate but that does not seem to be the call. i know this...i think i am just tired. a suffering world with a good God is a hard place to live. mother teresa prayed with her windows open to the streets of kolkata...i am praying for the grace to do the same.

i am thankful to be amoung the sweet ktm community and be embraced by their hugs and kisses and taco dinners! i am thankful to see a week of love changing the lives of little children and thankful for another day to try and meet the emmanuel who is with us in it all.

Friday, December 14, 2007


i woke up not feeling so good yesterday...nepal food seems to do this to me! so i held off on hiking the mountain which i think was a good thing. later in the afternoon i went for a 2.5 hour walk and now i am seriously paining in my knees and hip sad. there is always something to be said for slow. and slow is what i am supposed to be doing...slow and silent. yesterday was restless...thus the very long walk.

i am headed up to stay at sarangkot for my remaining two days...i can get a room for 10 bucks a day instead of the 5 i am paying now and the view is suposed to be spectacular. i am a little weary of the touristy thing here in pokara....not enough nature and to many people for me!

has anyone ever seen the cross between a turkey and a duck? well i have here in pokara--the body of a duck and the ugly face of a turkey with the gobbling noise and the bobbing head. so weird...seen it twice but both times without my will just have to imagine it!!

so maybe no internet up on the mountain...we will see i guess. more when i get back to KTM.

Thursday, December 13, 2007


i am soaking up the beauty in touristy pokara. i have not been here for more than 5 years and it is really touristy now. but i can see the lake and the annapurnas from my windows and i walked alot today absording the sun and sky and mountain ranges. i am going to hike to sarangkot tomorrow...three hour hike. my knees have been much better so i am hoping they stay that way. right now i am sore in a normal way from all the walking.

I am doing an advent based retreat at D-baynes suggestion. and loving the sweet simplicity of welcoming the savior. because that is really what i have been needing to do..welcome my savior and let myself be saved. today i reflected on joseph and how overwhelmed he must have felt, seemingly the father of a an illegitmate child, caring for his family with inadequate resources, fathering at least on earth the son of God. I found myself in a very real way identifying with joseph...the overwhelmed, overresponsible part but then seeing in a real way, that joseph must have been okay because i a very real way he had to depend on the Father and let him in to be his savior even as he welcomed the savior into the world. these are incomplete thoughts...any. thanks to all you who are praying...

off to find more beauty and breath in the heart of the savior.

Monday, December 10, 2007


christmas programs, overdone and well done, root canals that aren't that bad, burritos with the works, bundled in heavy blankets fighting the cold, bacon and black coffee, seeing old friends, watching hope spring in little lives..oh such a nice couple of days i have had.

I am in nepal now. I got here saturday and have been enjoying life with the community here. so great to see guatum and rekha and see how much their lives have changed and the hope that continues to spring from what God is going in their lives and the lives around them.

i have needed a break and i am hoping this time of rest will help me refocus and get back on my feet on an emotional and spiritual level. i can feel myself just starting to let down. I leave for pokara tomorrow for a 5 days personal retreat...all alone with the silence, my bible and hopefully some long walks in nature. i am leaving early than expected because my root canal--yes they have a good dentist in nepal will require three visits. i had my first visit and it went really well and i have my next one on tuesday so i planned the retreat part in between. When i get back i will have more time with the nepal staff before heading back to kolkata on the 23rd.

i am little afraid of being alone for 5 days but if i could discern something that might be good but hard for me this would be what i need right now. i am taking some yarn,my crochet hook and a bible and will wait to see what god says in the waiting silence. my hopes are up...

i am off to exlpore thamel today... revist old memories and drink some coffee.

Monday, December 03, 2007

can you read my blogger?

we can not get blogger for some reason. i can least i think i you can see if you are reading this now. so weird. i am wondering if it is blocked in India for some reason. who knows?

so i am happily finishing off my first good day in awhile. we had 4 new ladies start training at Sari Bari today and maybe a few more starting on Wednesday. it was good a beautiful to see more women coming into freedom. nice to have a very full house at SB. beautiful to see SB ladies bringing other ladies into freedom. i love being apart of kolkata's freedom story. i just love it!

i am a little homesick...being sick for awhile always seems to do that! and so does darn cute pictures of my neice addy! wow what a cutie..she makes amazing faces as seen below! Grace makes some pretty good ones too!!

Well thats all for now. thankful for my life with the SB ladies and thankful to have family all over the world, including the super cool beth and kristin, when i am homesick!