much needed processing

so yes, i have been mysteriously absent. i have been unable to will myself to write a real blog...i have been settling for false intimacy on face book, which is fun but no processing happens.

so i am basically in a processing black hole...not much going in and not much going out. feel like i could probably almost always say the wrong thing ( thankfully this has only happened a few times in the last week) to the wrong person and wonder just a bit what i am doing back here.

i can not say i am discouraged nessasarily, just not right fully. my hope meter is seriously low and self love is in the pits of the mirey depths. i feel like i pull myself out for a few moments everday but there is always an opposing moment when i wonder i will ever recover from this stupid culture shock, jet lag, being a human being thing.

so i think i just need to verbally expel some drama from the last week...feel free to stop here if you want. it might be more than you want to know

i arrived just over a week ago on a strike day...no taxis or autos so i had to lug my bags onto a bus--not so bad really. i did not mind the adventure because it was keeping me awake. and my cell phone was dead after a month in the states and i arrive at new market hoping to plug in at a local coffee shop but nope they do not have that convient thingy that lets you recharge for free. i went to new market because there was no direct way home...and i needed help with my bags to catch the next bus to our house...anyway could not get ahold of kristin or beth so upendra came and we brought my stuff to sari bari.

sari bari was good...actually each time i have been in the last week it has been a shining light in my day. and basically, with how hard things have been with sari bari and the loss of some of our ladies while i was gone this is amazing in itself. i think my hope is not any less for the sari bari ladies...because i believe in them and for them...maybe i am struggling to hope for myself. anyway sari bari is going though some yucky stuff but the staff are being amazing and the ladies who are working still are beautiful and growing and the light of my time back so far...

mmmm....got to have coffee with my friend charlotte...i love charlotte. she is a good friend and it is okay to be serious and normal with her. i do not have to be over excited or funny or passively accepting to be appreciated. i feel like i can just me...serious, direct, thoughtful, not so perfect or kind all the time, but mostly nice, deep sarah. it is good to feel known by her.

i think i am angry about something but i can not really say what for sure...maybe all this drama i feel in my heart is just culture shock and i just need to give it a week. i am tired of myself basically and want some change but i am not sure what that change is supposed to be....i am battling in prayer, longing for jesus but running away at the same time, struggling to have self control, but wanting to have it, wanting to be kind and generous and servanty but feeling selfish and kind of numb. i guess i am not this raw on my blog usually but i needed to start somewhere. maybe you are thinking...your private journal might have been good...

so anyway, say a prayer for me and my little sob story of the day. i am sure i will get over it. i hope verbal expulsion has helped. i know there are more stories but i am not interested reliving them right now.

on a happy note..we are backing in the running swing of things and getting ready to start training for our marathon.

can i recommend "a thousand splendid suns"...amazing book. read it.