This broken space is mine

if i sleep, i dream
broken by bathroom breaks
and heavy weighted thoughts
stumbling to rest
in my crowded thoughts
like a pack rat...
only i do not wear my clutter on the outside
only inside it is hard to find space
for peace
searching for king and kingdom
in the dirty walkways
lingering beside the gardens for their comfort
finding little but dusty leaves
wondering at a deeply rooted life, so dry it feels so much
like kindling
a burst of flame might destroy
this tender balance of extremes
compelled like the cyclonic rain outside my window
out of control
but ending is ensured by natures cycles
uninterrupted peace, quiet tickle my dreams
my sleep, deadness if only for a few hours
relief from this heaviness
on my knees, like a tree bent in half by the weight from not being pruned back
this broken space is mine

rainy beach trips are the best!

so we went to digha for a break (sat-mon)...digha is a beach town on the bay of bengal. On the precise day and hour of long awaited time of rest in the sun we found ourselves in the middle of a cyclone ( a tropical depression which creates heavy rains, crazy wind and thunderstorms). I have never walked in wind so hard that you think it might knock you over until this weekend, nor have i have been whipped in the face by rain pellets so that it really hurt ( it really really hurt.) everytime we went out we found ourselves soaked to bone wet...but...yes the but is there...we did have good rest. i was desperate to leave the city...even willing to endure a 5.5 hours bus ride to get away from it. so we got there and slept the rainy afternoon away...it was amazing. we had 2 days of rainy wet rest which included some good times with jesus in the quiet and fun times of stupid TV. we came back to ktown while the storm was still raging...and got off the bus in the middle of a huge storm....we drenched ourselves in the torrential rain and made our way safely to the metro only to find when we got off in sovabazar...that we would have to walk home though calf deep water (not so bad really, i walked through worse) while it was still downpouring. fun huh? we topped off our break with a few episodes from the OFFICE season 2. i think a good time was had by all...the rain only made for a better story!

i have alot of serious junk going on in my brain right now...to much to spell out in a blog a least today. all i can say is that i am wishing for home, longing for peace and waiting for jesus in the midst of it.

what's on my mind

so i have been sick for the last two weeks...loathing my sore throat and crammed sinus cavities, dragging myself forward when i know for sure i should be stopping, resting, being. the urgent is killing the important in my life right now. i want to rest, to just BE but it eluding me. little boys need walks to freedom and i need the hugs on the way home. ladies need second chances and by some strange chance i get to decide and i hate breaking their hearts because it breaks my own so terribly. i want everyone to have everything...i want everyone to be happy and healthy and whole. this i realize is not all for me to do or fix or make better...that's why i believe in God, right. God is not my cop out, however, being the inadequate human being that i am i choose the urgent over the important and some days really i have a hard time deciding which is which...wish someone could tell me whether my rest and healthy body was more important than the safety of two little boys but i choose the little boys this week. i have time to get better next week ( and they will be off to boarding school and hopefully a new life).

so i walked "a" and "b", the sons of our friend "P" in the gach to Freeset everyday this week to spend time at their freeset daycare....they needed a safe place for this week and freeset made space for them. i loved going to pick them up and then waking them up and watching them wash their faces and i loved holding their little hands, i loved giving them the breakfast of their choice, loved buying them ice cream on the way home. but i loved most, walking home last night holding "A" in my arms singing "ja ghari jesu ache kato annondo" (the house with jesus has so much joy!) and "Ajke re din, jesus shristi koreche" (this the day)with this little five year old down the lanes of the red light district...it felt so right to proclaim the goodness of God in those lanes holding a little boy who life God seems to be providing for in amazing ways. it was "a" who started it...he started singing what he has learned that day and so we sang together all the way home.

this was a good reminder for me of why i am here...on saturday i was not so sure that i wanted to be here anymore. being sick always makes for more drama but i was so weary of the problems, so weary of myself and my own personal drama that i thought maybe quitting would be a good option. it of course is not, and while i am still struggling and mostly exhausted after two weeks of insane hours while being sick, i am at a place of peace and hope again thanks to my urgent and definitely important little dates with a five and a six year boy.

hopefully, rest will find me tomorrow and i will journey may way into deep thought about these crazily unprocessed weeks.