so i have been sick for the last two weeks...loathing my sore throat and crammed sinus cavities, dragging myself forward when i know for sure i should be stopping, resting, being. the urgent is killing the important in my life right now. i want to rest, to just BE but it eluding me. little boys need walks to freedom and i need the hugs on the way home. ladies need second chances and by some strange chance i get to decide and i hate breaking their hearts because it breaks my own so terribly. i want everyone to have everything...i want everyone to be happy and healthy and whole. this i realize is not all for me to do or fix or make better...that's why i believe in God, right. God is not my cop out, however, being the inadequate human being that i am i choose the urgent over the important and some days really i have a hard time deciding which is which...wish someone could tell me whether my rest and healthy body was more important than the safety of two little boys but i choose the little boys this week. i have time to get better next week ( and they will be off to boarding school and hopefully a new life).
so i walked "a" and "b", the sons of our friend "P" in the gach to Freeset everyday this week to spend time at their freeset daycare....they needed a safe place for this week and freeset made space for them. i loved going to pick them up and then waking them up and watching them wash their faces and i loved holding their little hands, i loved giving them the breakfast of their choice, loved buying them ice cream on the way home. but i loved most, walking home last night holding "A" in my arms singing "ja ghari jesu ache kato annondo" (the house with jesus has so much joy!) and "Ajke re din, jesus shristi koreche" (this the day)with this little five year old down the lanes of the red light district...it felt so right to proclaim the goodness of God in those lanes holding a little boy who life God seems to be providing for in amazing ways. it was "a" who started it...he started singing what he has learned that day and so we sang together all the way home.
this was a good reminder for me of why i am here...on saturday i was not so sure that i wanted to be here anymore. being sick always makes for more drama but i was so weary of the problems, so weary of myself and my own personal drama that i thought maybe quitting would be a good option. it of course is not, and while i am still struggling and mostly exhausted after two weeks of insane hours while being sick, i am at a place of peace and hope again thanks to my urgent and definitely important little dates with a five and a six year boy.
hopefully, rest will find me tomorrow and i will journey may way into deep thought about these crazily unprocessed weeks.
2 comments:
thanks for sharing where you are.
thanks for holding their hands. thanks for walking with them. for singing hope over them...for giving them your knowledge of the One who is Hope - for letting them borrow from you til they can claim Hope of their own...thanks for standing in the gap for precious A and B....
hi sarah,
for what it is worth...
our wise friend phileena says that we only have to do what God has called us to do. our call is unique.
as i read your story i too have a hard time separating the being from the doing. you are "doing" so much even as you spend time with these sweet boys. but, in all of that doing it seems you are "being" even more. i read your post and saw the heart of a mother, of a friend, of a protector, of hope, of joy. maybe for that day "being" those things will provide more healing to your tired body and tired soul than the resting could give you.
i pray that you do find your rest. i pray that you do find your father holding your hands as well this week as he walks you through the streets, as he deleights in you, as he sings over you and gives you sweet gifts. i pray that you find him loving you just as you have loved these little boys.
you have my prayers,
amanda knihal
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