The wide open spaces

the wide open spaces of God's grace...so freeing and so scary really. I am not good at grace. giving it or receiving it really, but the last months has been full of lesson after lesson of grace. i can not problem solve my way through everything, i can not make it alright, or perfect. i can only be myself and wait in the wide open spaces. I can ponder the aquarium in my belly...the one i have been so afraid of sharing because i thought it might full of sharks,darkness and sludge but am finding the more i reveal the more beautiful and quiet the aquarium becomes....this may not make sense to you. its all about transparency...most importantly being transparent with myself and not so afraid of who i am or who i might reveal. if i only believe in the sharks and the sludge maybe thats what i will be...but if i believe in the beauty that comes from living in grace maybe thats what i will be.

i have been given a really sweet gift the last 6 weeks. i have been dating an indian/ swedish guy named michael. he leaves to go back to sweden today actually. and i have been having fun...so much fun. if feel like he is God's gift to me to reflect back to me things about myself i do not believe. i am not foolish to believe that in six weeks a guy can really know me but michael really reflects thing back to me about myself that i want to believe but struggle too...such as being able beautiful to someone, or being one who is gentle and kind, or being fun to be around. i feel like some of the lies i have been believing about myself are being crushed under the feet of kindness and friendly coffee dates. it has been a gift to escape my very full work weeks in the middle of day for a coffee or take the time that I worked extra last week and use it another day for something that has been super life giving. i am filling up on goodness and it is affecting every part me. its not all about michael at all...he is just part of it. he is just a key that helped open another locked door in my heart. for you curious people, this is nothing serious and will basically end with friendship since i am not really interested in long distance but still i am celebrating the gift it has been. and i am ready and open for another gift of this type soon!!

there is much i want to leave behind from the last six months...to throw off the lies i have believed, the hurts i have ingested, the darkness that left me empty. i often talk about the ladies becoming new...but i think i am becoming something new and i will be able to shed the dark shroud of fear and pain for the wedding gown of beauty and full live, so to speak. there are many losses to be aborbed this month...my dear friend charlotte and julian leave in just two weeks, michael leaves today, our friend abishek leaves at the end of the month. i have already had many tears over these losses, especially over charlotte and julian but i think in the wide open space of grace i can trust that God will meet in the losses, and restore in some unseen way these friends and still allow me to wear the wedding gown in midst of it.

God is my protector and defender too!! i was hit by a motorcycle on sunday (mom and dad don't freak out, i am very much okay)...by a policeman. i got knocked on my booty and i have the serious bruises to prove it but i walked away. the ladies have scolded me for not causing a riot and getting the policeman beat up for hitting me...but i told them i forgive him and that i am just thankful to God that it was not a bus!! so thankful to be alive, healthy, growing in grace in kolkata!! (will post a bruise picture at a later date)

may you all grow in grace and the knowledge of jesus!!