nobody wants pain

You know you have been wounded so deeply by a person that you can barely breathe right when you think of them....you remember the love your enemies thing, and the desire, the hope, even the ache to be able to fully forgive. but the wound still smarts and stings with pain, healing never really happened because there was not reconcilliation. Over the last years, i have learned alot about forgiving the debt, having been forgiven my own debt over and over. and seeing the women forgive those who have trafficked them, seeing the women forgive the culture which binds them...they are my light, my leaders in forgiveness. Sometimes, as much as, we may want an apology, my might not get it but forgiveness still has to happen. I am in a place where i need to really forgive someone who really, really hurt me and i am weepy to think of having to see this person, to be kind, to turn the other cheek allowing for the possibility that they might strike again. i guess you could say I am afraid. afraid of judgement, afraid of my own anger, afraid of being walked on if open the door again. I told beth yesterday, i choose everyday to forgive but nothing has made this particular hurt less painful, or me feel less vulnerable to being hurt again. I think i feel mostly broken and broken hearted and i am trusting God for his miraculous grace, his healing and his ability to set me in the presence of those who might hurt me or those i love and not fear.

I often think that living here in Kolkata has a tendancy to expose me in a way that nothing else can in the world. it also has a way of healing me, teaching me and changing me for the good like nothing else can... I sometimes think if i did not live here, if this was not my call, my vocation, my dream then i would not have to drink this cup of suffering. which might be true, but i also know that in that cup, that beautiful cup of suffering is great joy. so i am holding out for joy and redemeption and reconcilliation.