my broken crappy self

sometimes you see crazy things here in kolkata...tonight walking down the street i watched a police man intentional break the headlight of a taxi for some minor offense i am sure. I watched him whack, whack, whack till the headlight broke while the taxi driver sat there helpless to respond. he was powerless. i think i know how he feels. I feel powerless...like someone is going whack, whack, whack at my headlights until they break for some minor offense...to make me feel powerless and maybe so that they can feel powerful. i wonder if i am on the other end of this sometimes--the one doing the whacking making someone else feel powerless.

This is how i feel sometimes...like these stair twisted upwards but still twisted. I feel so full of holes and probably not ready to stand up to the weight of the next person who wants to engage me. Living in community is hard. Today i kind of feel like i want to give up because i feel like there are no easy relationships in my life. Everything is hard. From a simple request to the most complex discussion things are hard. Now i am probably just venting here because in general things are good....but i am feeling quite alone and isolated...afraid to take the next step up because i fear the backlash, i fear being alone, i fear being rejected. i guess this is a little vulnerable for a blog that alot of people read but right at this moment i do not where else to vent.

so i guess if you read this pray for our community here. pray for me to be humble, gentle and willing to submit my own desires for the benefit of the community.