I am just so broken today. maybe that is being too vulnerable for something that is public like a blog....i woke up angry and hurt and in full self protection mode. I get to sari bari and i am leading a devotion with the ladies on psalm139 and i pray with them the first time i had done it today and my heart cracked and i wanted to cry.
i understand the ladies really well today...they are all really hard...that is my temptation also to allow my heart and exterior to harden so that no one and nothing can hurt me. but i think maybe it does not really matter if you put the wall, you still get hurt and unfortunately you can still hurt others...
i wanted to cry this morning cuz my shell was cracked as i set in the presence of these ladies and realized i was about to tell them that God really knows them and he is behind and before them and his hand is upon them and that is nothing he does not know and and above all that he loves them deeply.
i have just been broken the rest of the day...weary,on the edge of tears, still in some ways fighting to keep the hardness so i do not have to hurt or be vulnerable. I was vulnerable with the ladies this morning about my struggles, somehow it seemed to give the psalm more power, because i had a context of brokeness and failure in my own heart and life that i was speaking out of and the knowledge that jesus sees into my darkeness was maybe more real this morning that it has even been...i think the ladies understood really well who GOD is the context of that psalm certainly better than i have up to this point.
not much else to say, except maybe pray for me. i do not want to be hard hearted.
3 comments:
i'm praying for you. love you my beautiful, precious, wild, brave, wise, gutsy, creative, compassionate, empathetic, tenacious, and a whole host-a other incredible things sister.
thanks angela...i needed those words of encouragement. things are little better today. love ya...
praying for you, oh lovely gardener.
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