getting my own life

I struggle here in calcutta with many things...and one of them I think is how to live independantly of my community...that might sound bad but read on for a better explanation. everything is so intertwined that it makes it hard to get out and hard to stay in on many different levels. many of you are my friends and so might know something that my mom pointed out to me when i was home, which is that i can be a little relationally intense. meaning i love being with people but more than that knowing them fully and initimately, in a real way and this can be scary for some people i guess. the other side of this is that i generally do not feel safe unless there is vulnerability, truth telling and forgiveness...all of which lead to intimacy and or "real" friendship. i also love being known fully...i think that was what the prayer time omaha was all about for me...it was God letting me know that he fully knows me and he is cool with it!! but i also long to be fully known by others...there are people who really know me like Kim H and these are the people i long for in deserts like this...

so my struggle of the week and maybe the struggle of my life is being played out right now as i try to learn how to be present but not pushy. how to vulnerable without expecting it in return...how to give space and how at the same to make sure i am taken care of...my relational resources are limited here. we are kind of in a closed context where friends tend to be shared and sometimes sharing is hard.

so my unofficial goal for the next week is to get my own life...meaning i want to start taking better care of myself and not allow the stupid little things people do bother me--in other words not take responsiblity to fix others problems. so i am go out finally to get my easel and start painting and i am going to ask for what i need when i need it and keep my own counsel in the presense of the master otherwise.

i guess i might sound angry or hurt...i am hurt but that is just part of life right? not angry anymore just want to be happy to me in my own space, loved for who i am, and a good lover of people no matter where they are in life.

so i am thankful for my time in the gach today and the ways that God is teaching me to be silent with him. i am thankful for a little bit of creative energy--i made 4 bags this week out of sari blankets--they are wicked cool!! I thankful that i come from good people and for most of my life i have had a treasure trove of friends and i am thankful for this time in the desert so that i can worship god in desert or the promised land with equal excitement. thankful for my sari bari friends and all the cool people i know from the UK!!!

here's hoping for a another good weekend....