buried

If could describe myself in word today...i would say "buried." the have tos and have nots, should, and coulds, and what ifs, and "responsiblities" real or false have me buried at the moment. i hate that whenever i go to the states that coming back here is so hard. that i catch my breath for moment in the company of family and friends and then i must again submerge, hold my breath and wonder how long i can make it this time. the things is i know i could leave but i do not want to--i want to make it work here, i want to thrive here...sometimes i do thrive. but probably more real is that i mostly survive. The conflict is of course that i love the ladies, i love my job as catalyst of movements and ideas and developer of others, i love my community. But i am having a hard time thriving at the moment, being sick does not help much. each life giving moment feels swallowed by the moments that want to take from me. maybe i am holding on too tight, so rather than giving my life away, i feel like it is being taken. maybe this is a season, I hope so. i want to write good things, amazing stories of hope and truth not self sad complaining words but i am stuggling to keep my head up. so i only catch glimpes of the light, moments each day that move me forward. moments like on friday when i remember what it is i am about in this place--freedom on behalf of the only one who offers it truly. i remembered the visions of something new for sari bari in a new place and something new for girls for in mushirabad who might not need to find a job in a red light area if we can offer them one at home. It was a moment of light when Gita said i will go, i will go. i want to go and be a light bringer to the darkness, to show these girls they have value. that was my moment on friday...i think it might get me through the week. if you pray, pray for me. pray for something fresh to refresh and breath to help me breath when i feel like i am can not, pray for grace.