Blah

just had a conflict over something that could be stupid or everything that is truth. i am trying not to be hurt or angry...i am trying to learn how to have the right boundaries about the right things but i must say i am struggling. i am not happy to always be saying sorry...i am a jerk. i am not happy about being blamed...and to top it off i am probably the worst because i blame myself. i am not happy about being an adult right at this moment. i want everything to be easy...i want to be an easy person to live with, not the chaotic, extreme drama that is me. i am no picnic but darn it i wish i were...i wish i was one of the girls that you use descriptors like gentle and sweet with...instead i have descriptors like extreme and timely. so blah!!

blah and yuck! all this just when i am trying to get back on my feet on many levels... just saying earlier i feel like i am being refined, well i guess thats true. just not the path i would choose to get there. i do hate conflict...sometimes i wish i could stop myself from speaking. so blah, blah, blah.

i think i am up for a long night of no sleep and a day of waiting for resolution. maybe God could make me a different person in the meantime. so now i am waiting, hoping god will kick my little booty into shape and convict my crappy little heart if and as much as needed between now and whenever.