Getting my heart cleaned up

“A man’s life does not consist of the abundance of his possessions.” Luke 12:15

“His word is in my heart like a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot.” Jeremiah 20:9

It is always painful to confronted with our sin…I have been in Kolkata for only few days and I am overwhelmed with the darkness and poverty of my own heart as I begin to be confronted again with the physical and spiritual poverty around me.

I am in pain as I consider some of the selfishness with which I have lived in the last two years. The last two years have been amazing and healing in so many ways and yet I see how it is marred by allowing so many alternatives to being with Jesus to distract and sooth me. I have not forgotten Kolkata but I have forgotten how to live sacrificially and with daily encounters with suffering…this is lesson that I am sure I will have to learn over and over again my lifetime. I have had everything that I have wanted or needed in the last couple years and yet I lacked some thankfulness and humility in receiving what has been mine to steward. I think every time I come to Kolkata there is period of refinement and period of stripping away the superficial things that I can so easily cling to for protection, the false gods in my heart are being knocked down and my selfish and lying heart is exposed and I am thankful and deeply humbled. I do not think it strange that my time here is starting with a time of repentance because I know repentance will lead me to adoration and praise so that my heart will burn as Jeremiah’s and I will not be able to contain it.

I left the USA to be with the beloved women and children loaded with three heavy bags so that I can be comfortable. Comfortable and safe in my home…yet I now I am reminded again that all I need and have ever needed is Jesus. The abundance contained bags will not be my solace or protector only Jesus will satisfy. I am reading “The Heavenly Man” by Brother Yun and I am overwhelmed by the sacrifices of Chinese believers for the sake of the kingdom. Their obedience and sacrifice is a testimony for the entire world. I sit here now asking God what will my testimony for the kingdom be…will it be one of selfishness and lies or one of obedience and sacrifice.

I am hoping that it will be one of faithful obedience and sacrifice. These last two years have been preparation for these years ahead but I am not done, there is still so much I have to learn, so much to confess, so much to lay at the feet of the Master until I am fully His with boundaries or barriers. I have said over and over as I prepared to come to Kolkata that my desire was not to be needs driven but Jesus driven so my prayer is that I would allow Jesus to drive my steps and refine my heart daily for His glory. I pray that I can live a life of vulnerability and sacrifice so that these special women in Sonagacchi can know the amazing, redeeming love of Jesus.